Who do I think I am?

Adjust Your Sails
24 min readJun 25, 2020


I am someone who is inquisitive, compassionate, and fierce. I have always loved learning and artistic expression. When I love you I am fiercely loyal and protective of you. Never one to shy away from debate I will stand up for what I believe is right every time, and it will never matter who I lose because of it.

Some people do not understand that mentality. The only thing I can tell you is that for me standing up for other people, the underdogs, the oppressed, is what I live for. Blame it on the Aquarius stellium in my 7th house. It matters more to me that everyone is treated fairly and justly than who I have by my side. I don’t want anyone in my life who is okay with injustice of any kind.

When you see that quote going around that says, “Stand up for what you believe in, even if you’re standing alone”, think of me. I will lose anything and everything if it means the world becomes a fairer, more just place to live in . That is something about me that you can count on never changing.

If you’re not someone who believes in fairness and justice enough to fight for it and make yourself uncomfortable we likely won’t mesh. I’m a lover of knowledge, experience, and understanding. It is my goal to empathize with everyone, to feel what they feel, and to see what they experience through their own eyes. One should never assume.

Where I ran into issues for a long time is that I do not withhold my compassion for anyone. It’s so deep it could drown you. I am drawn to protecting the innocent and the evil alike. All the psychology I’ve studied has taught me nothing is as personal as it feels. When people mistreat you it’s because of their own sense of worthiness or lack thereof.

For a time I allowed this understanding to become enabling. It wasn’t until I was further along in my study and journey that I realized how important healthy boundaries are. Understanding and compassion are great to help you forgive and evolve, but they are not useful without boundaries.

You don’t have to put boundaries on your understanding and compassion. Just on people who hurt you or others in spite of your understanding and compassion. Those who would take advantage of it. You let them know that you love them, you understand their wounds and pain, but that you’re not willing to tolerate them passing those wounds and pains onto you.

My only real struggle with authority stems from a moral and ethical view. As a parent my children taught me a lot about this. There came a point in time where because I said so wasn’t good enough. I feel as if people use their authority to get out of taking responsibility and I’m guilty of it myself. Once I’m made aware of this I change it. I have little patience for those who don’t.

Whenever I encounter inequality or despair of any kind it’s frustrating for me. I look at the world we live in and just don’t understand it. There are a handful of billionaires who own everything, and most people struggle to make ends meet while working for those very billionaires.

Without the workers the billionaires would have nothing, and yet their workers are shamed, put down, and bullied for needing assistance because their greedy boss wont pay them more. Where would Jeff Bezos be without his warehouse workers? Why did it take Bernie Sanders to introduce the Stop Jeff Bezos Act to get him to act on raising their wages?

It frustrates me when I clearly see the intersection between race and class, and others want to pretend to be blind to it. When you hate me saying Black lives matter, but are quick to say blue ones do it makes little sense to me. Cops choose their profession. No one chooses their skin color.

Making excuses for cops and racism is maddening because if it were your race you’d be burning it all down, too. I don’t understand blind obedience whatsoever. It’s why I left religion and so many other ideas behind.

Nothing surface level keeps my attention. I don’t like pettiness or gossiping. I don’t waste my time on trivial or distasteful interactions. Neither do I go looking for fights, but rest assured if you provoke me I’m all in. Over time I’ve had to learn to not be defensive, to hear others out, and then respond rather than react to what is said, but believe me I will still speak my truth.

Throughout my chart is a weaving of the relationship I have with myself and the relationship I have with all people. I’m meant to understand diversity and differences, while maintaining we are all still one. This is made easier since I do not withhold compassion as I spoke of earlier.

The hardest part for me has been finding a balance, and coming to terms with my own reflection as seen through my relationships with everyone from my children, to my ex-husband, to my parents, to strangers. My first love will probably always be psychology over astrology and spirituality. It has just taught me so much and helped me grow and evolve by leaps and bounds.

I am quite introverted, but when I need to be I can be charismatic, brave, and noble. There is part of me meant to be a powerful leader, and in the past I denied this to myself. I’m able to see underlying potential in almost anyone. You will either love me or hate me. Many people love me, tell me my energy is healing, and I help them come out of dark spaces. Others have said they don’t like being around me because I make them want to be better people.

Creativity is absolutely important to me. Whether I’m writing or redecorating my home it allows me the ability to express myself. It’s a beautiful way for me to vent out my frustrations. I love to excite and encourage others, too. I want to invoke your passion and emotions. I want to make you strive to be a better person. I feel like the whole point of life is to evolve into better versions of self.

When I thrive best is when I am able to contribute to your joy. I don’t want to be at the top of the world alone. Let me take you with me. I don’t want the spotlight for selfish reasons. I want us to all share the spotlight and contribute to the overall vitality of our immediate environments and the world.

The only time you will call me selfish is if you are someone who takes, takes, and takes, and never wants to give back. I have a strong desire for reciprocation from others in my life. I am a very generous person with my time, attention, love, and resources when I have them to give. However, the moment you make me feel you don’t appreciate it I’m out.

In the past I would beg for that validation and appreciation, but not anymore. If you are someone who can’t appreciate me and what I bring to the table it says nothing about what I bring to the table. I will not give my all to you over and again with nothing of value being returned. Even if you return growth and evolution that’s enough for me.

I will never be your ride or die. I will ride with you all day, every day if you are growing and evolving. If you’re self-aware and taking accountability. However, if you want me to make myself small, to live in some imagined box you’ve created for yourself, to kill off my own passion and dreams it isn’t going to happen. I’m not riding with anyone who wants to stagnate where they are.

I am very sensitive to negative feedback and comments because my love language is words of affirmation. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t value reassurance from others. I used to take everything so personally. It’s amazing that I wrote about all of this before I ever learned my birth chart, but it all matches everything in the chart. This is my Leo Rising.

Now that I understand nothing is personal and no longer over-extend myself I am not as open to even hearing what you have to say. If you’re not growing and evolving in life what business do you have saying anything about me? At least I’m in the ring, getting my ass kicked, and fighting for my authenticity.

I had to learn that confidence comes from within. You must build it like a muscle. My security comes from myself. My worth is inherent. I do not need your permission to find myself worthy. This has made it possible for me to take in constructive feedback that has been beneficial to my growth. It has helped me deal with shame in healthier ways.

I have lived my life out loud for the world to see. If anyone should hang their head in shame over their past you would think it would be me, but here we are. I am powerful and strong-willed. I’m not going anywhere ever. I work hard not to be arrogant, narcissistic, or dominant, as some of my traits can definitely come across that way and I’m well aware of this.

I am guilty of biting off more than I can chew, of not thinking before I speak, and of trying to uplift myself through others. So I work hard to cherish the connections I do have, and never take them for granted. To engage in real conversations that are deep and meaningful. To only take on what I know for sure I can handle, so I’m not projecting frustration later.

In spite of everything I have generally been well received by other people. To me the other people in my life are just as important as I am. I tend to need their love and affection to thrive. This has led me to doubt myself in the past when I didn’t receive that love and affection. It’s why I preach so much about the ability to love yourself being critical to loving others correctly.

Self-doubt has led me to stay longer than I should in relationships. I put my faith in other people rather than in myself. My North Node has always pushed me to become self-reliant, but I was terrified of it. I didn’t have the ability for a long time to self-soothe, but like most things it can be cultivated.

I am a very optimistic and generous person. You will find me honest, just, and fair. I do have to be careful because I tend to have a moral standard for myself and others. This has led to me being intolerant of people who don’t have those same standards. The last place I want to be is on some high horse.

When it comes to judging others I’ve learned that we judge most in others that which we don’t like in ourselves. This isn’t always the case, but I find that most of the time it is. I try to live with a great degree of self-awareness now. When I find myself judging someone else I pause. I reflect on what about the behavior I’m judging might say something about me?

I’ve never liked the details much, but my North Node insists I learn them. Whether or not I like them I’ve always been extremely good at taking complicated things and making them simple. I prefer to believe in one true thing I’ve proven to myself, rather than trust what everyone else tells me.

I have an affinity for history, only because we can learn so much from it. Everything going on today you can view through a historical lens to get an idea of where we are headed. I appreciate traditions, but I don’t hang my hat on them. Doing something simply because it’s the way it’s always been done seems a bit silly to me.

Long lasting relationships is what I crave. I’m a very committed person to those I love. It’s extremely painful for me to be ghosted or left behind because I would never do that to someone. My loyalty to them makes me want to demand an explanation from them, but I’ve learned we don’t really need those explanations to move on. We can bring closure to ourselves.

I’m not one who enjoys surprises. I can handle you getting me a little gift or something like that, but please don’t show up at my house unannounced. Don’t throw me a party I’m not aware of. Don’t invite people over if you live with me without letting me know. Don’t cancel and flake out on me after I’ve invested and committed to something at the last minute.

I spent a considerable portion of my life reacting rather than responding, and then getting frustrated with myself once the reactive episode was over. I wasn’t realizing I was the cause in many of those cases. We teach people how to treat us, and I don’t know why we stay expecting shit to change, but it is a choice we make to stay. We cause our own resentment.

Lashing out, losing control, those are ways we abuse our power and give it over to other people. I don’t like feeling like anyone controls me, so it became very important for me to change and grow. If you cause me to erupt in an emotional display I have just let you pull my strings like you’re my puppet master. No thank you. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week. I don’t match energy. I prefer to maintain my own.

I remember the days where I needed the last word, and the day I decided to stop needing it. In the beginning I would bite my tongue, quite literally, when I walked away. There was a time if I was at odds with someone in my life I could not function. All of that has changed and it amazes me every time.

When the man I was seeing at the beginning of this year said he meant everything he said about me, but had to leave it was a true test for me. He left questioning his own worth, not mine. In the past this situation would have done me in, but not this time. I understood it for what it was.

I have had such a difficult time trying to balance rigidity and flexibility. There is a huge part of me that enjoys change. I understand change is the only real constant in life. Then this other part of me abhors it, especially if the change is last minute or sudden. I’m still working on this. Those most adaptable to change are those most likely to survive.

My mother can tell you that even when I was young, in my prime, beautiful, with a great figure I never flaunted any of that. I’m not one who ever considered making a living off my body or my looks. I see nothing wrong with those who do. It’s just never been in my vision for myself. I actually have very little interest in the material world in all aspects honestly.

The goal of this lifetime for me has been self-realization and self-sufficiency. It’s what I’ve grown toward all my life. When I learned this was my North Node, and that an aspect in my chart meant I’d follow my North Node even if I never knew of it I was sold. Well, it took more than that, but that is the part of my chart that absolutely resonates.

My goal since leaving my marriage has been to become self-reliant. To never have to depend on another human being for my sustainability. The only way any of us can do that is by tackling insecurities. If you could be a fly on the wall to the woman I used to be compared to the woman I’ve become.

Here I want to pause and give a shout out to my children. It is because of them that I have made it this far. Every day when I woke up and looked at their faces all I wanted was for them to know without question they were loved and valued. To experience so much more than I had. It took some time because I repeated cycles, as I knew of no other way, but we have made it.

Every time shame or pride wanted me to give up I thought of them four babies counting on me. Who never asked to be born. Who never asked for the trauma and difficulties they were experiencing. I reminded myself that while I cannot change the past I can absolutely show them that at any point they can grab a hold of their future and fight like hell for it.

There was a time when all I wanted was peace. If there was chaos in the external world around me I would do anything to make it stop. I would compromise my own values and beliefs to make it stop. I may have been considered by some as fair, diplomatic, or honest, but honestly sometimes my intentions weren’t any of those things. It was simply make it stop.

I have never been one to get into much trouble, and nothing I’ve ever done in my life was done from destructive or malicious intent. Smells, sights, and sensations are powerful for me and can invoke nostalgia in an instant. I value my community, my family, my friends, even in our dysfunction. There was always good strung in with the bad that I can choose to remember.

I love to debate politics because while some of you believe we should avoid it I understand it’s not just politics. It’s people lives and livelihood. I will play devil’s advocate all day to make a point. I don’t mind when people call me a SJW (Social Justice Warrior). It’s a badge of honor, thank you very much. I hate ignorance and prejudice with a passion.

Over time I have gotten much better at handling conflict because I’ve come to understand my peace is within. I no longer expect the world and those around me to be peaceful all the time, which was never realistic. I can’t control other people’s moods and actions. So, I’ve chosen to control my own.

As open as I’ve always been there are parts of me I’ve definitely kept private. I am defensive over my home and family. I’ve learned over time that their privacy is as important as mine. So, you won’t find me telling you what is going on with those around me. If they choose to confide in me I take that as a privilege and do my best to honor their space.

I have a love of the past and what I can learn from it, especially in regards to my family tree. It helps you learn about generational cycles and how to break them. It was written in my chart that I’d have pain and trauma to overcome, and that I would overcome it.

The tribulations and trials I’ve been through may seem so significant to some, but to me it’s all part of a larger picture and less personal than most would feel about it. I’ve been able to rise above and beyond the trauma in my life. I don’t want to make you think it was easy because it wasn’t. I remember as a little girl thinking what a great mom I was going to be, and then I became a mom.

It was only in becoming a mother that I was able to find inspiration and motivation to rise above and beyond the upbringing I had. It took time because I was trying to find the answers on my own. No one had taught me how to be a good mother. I tried religion and boy did that not go well.

I have very talented children. They are all super intelligent, too. They bring me more pleasure and happiness than anything or anyone ever will. I know they didn’t always sense that in their younger years, but they know it now, and I have to let that be enough. If I fail to forgive myself I will not believe they have forgiven me, and our relationships will suffer for it.

When I am doing something I love my worth ethic and drive are strong, but otherwise they are non-existent. I do not like working meaningless jobs or for other people. It’s my goal over the next little while to build a business. One where I am able to help others understand their relationship with themselves and with others.

I’ll likely write books at some point. I’ve been being led to write one now, and I go back and forth with it. I struggle to follow instructions that are set by other people, and I know that part of my lesson in this life is to learn to do that. I do believe that my ultimate success will come through other people in some way.

I have struggled in love all my life. I entered relationships with cheaters, liars, and abusers. My chart lets me know that there is a big connection between my happiness and other people. This makes my relationships more difficult. I do have the Sun, Mercury, and Mars all in Aquarius in the house of partnerships. It’s also why I struggle remembering things and have had to overcome anxiety. The road has been long, but I am so glad I’ve taken it.

My marriage is where I truly began to realize I deserved more. I struggled for a long time to take control of my of my own finances and goals. Even when we agreed I would stay home and attend school he chose my field of study. The universe was never going to let me settle for that life, thank goodness.

I can read people so well. It wasn’t that I never saw red flags. It’s that even when I did my compassion would kick in. I would understand they weren’t meaning to hurt me. So, I would stay not wanting to add to their pain if I were to leave them alone and hurting more. I explained I had no boundaries on my understanding and compassion. I thought if I people pleased them long enough something would give.

My Virgo Moon had me feeling like the only way I would be worthy of my own salvation is if I first saved everyone else. The hardest lesson you will ever learn is that you cannot save other people. You can offer tools all day long, but they have to use them. You’re not bad or wrong for walking away if they don’t.

I am drawn to people who are interesting and have interesting views to share. I like being able to see things in a new way that I hadn’t thought of before. The last person I was with, at the start of this year, was great at that. What I love about communication is learning and bettering myself through it. So, if you have a way to do that which I haven’t heard before I am all ears.

Now I’m in a place where I understand if a relationship doesn’t have equality and mutual respect I will never thrive in it, and other people’s ability to thrive is not more important than my own. This has to be top priority if I’m ever to enter another relationship.

The man I married tried to turn me into a modest, submissive housewife and broke my spirit. That lesson has been fully transmuted, learned, and ingrained. My freedom is important to me and if you want to share my life with me you can’t be jealous or dull my shine. I’m the most loyal person you will ever encounter, and if you’re not able to see that it’s truly your loss.

My Sun is in the 7th house. This means I shine best in love, compassion, and unity. I want attention and nurturing from those in my life, and while I can thrive now without it I’m never settling for not having it again. I do need alone time to recharge, but I can also feel refreshed after spending time with a small group of people I love and cherish.

I’m at my best surrounded by friends and family. I try to be there for everyone when they need someone to talk to or springboard ideas. I appreciate when they are there for me and reciprocate that energy. I spent two days surrounded by family this past weekend, and felt so joyful and content after I came home and sat here at my desk with a cup of coffee.

I don’t talk about this much because of the way people handle it, but I have a spiritual connection with the dead. As a child I could see spirits, I was levitated off my bed, I predicted things before they happened, and had dreams and visions that would come true. My mother was frightened by this and would come up with all sorts of explanations to placate me.

After my experience with reading the bible and taking Christianity seriously I almost ended my life. So, when I finally admitted I no longer believed I had to become a hardcore atheist. I didn’t know the explanation for those past experiences and I simply didn’t care. I hated religion and what it does to people, its involvement in politics, the fact the parents trust these religious figures with their children in spite of constant molestation claims.

I think a lot of that goes back to what I said in the beginning. I have it in me to fight for causes. Religions want to dominate and rule. They suppress. So, I got into politics and studied psychology. That became a huge portion of my life for the following years. I had studied so much psychology that my son’s old therapist thought I went to school for it.

When I meditate I can sense hundreds of people around me. They never swarm me or make me feel threatened. It just feels like they are standing there wanting to be seen and acknowledged. I have had full conversations with my dead biological father, grandmother, and others. I don’t know if I can ask to speak to specific people because I’m a bit scared to try if I’m honest.

I know this was passed onto me from my ancestors. My grandmother had my mother at the store once when they were kids. She told my mom she needed to call home because something was wrong with my uncle. Sure enough, my uncle had just gotten hit by a car. I have stories for days.

My intuition is quite keen and my ability to empathize with others is strong. I do have to watch out because I absorb energy like a sponge, and can get caught feeling things that other people feel. I refuse to live in the land of feeling sorry for myself very long.

I’m someone who understands we will always grapple with all emotions, positive and negative. It’s been a journey learning to decipher which emotions are really mine and which are not. Sometimes I can get anxiety or grow overwhelmed simply walking into a crowded space.

That being said, I am also someone who has learned I am not my emotions. I am the awareness above them. I can detach and spend time in that awareness whenever I’m ready. I can write how I feel down and use what I’ve learned from psychology to help myself over the hiccup. It’s not in getting to a space where we transcend human emotions. It’s about integrating them.

I am someone who expands and grows for the sake of my own self-interest. Yes, my children were my motivation. Why? It was in my best interest to ensure I had a relationship with my children that was healthy and stable. I enjoy learning things on my own and having hands on experience.

For me, everything I went through led me to find my own path to spirituality. I prefer to formulate my own opinions. I don’t mind a debate over spirituality, but there are just some things I’m not going to discuss with you. I believe in facts and logic over everything, so if you’re trying to convince me of something that belies reason I’m not wasting my time.

Ask my mama. She calls me the bubble buster.

I need a unique profession that will allow me to work for myself, and to not have to give up my personal or spiritual journey. In fact, I want my personal and spiritual journey to be part of my profession. I want to be heard by people because I believe they will benefit from what I have to say. The thing that kept me stuck so long was fear of retribution.

Many who know me well have said they would read a book if I wrote it. Some have encouraged me to get into public or motivational speaking. So far, I don’t have enough information on exactly how to build this or where I want it to go. I’m just following the bread crumbs.

Working on myself will be a lifelong journey, as will learning not to be my own worst critic when I can instead be my own best friend. Never again will you find me suffering from impostor syndrome. In the past I doubted my own intelligence, wanted to avoid confrontation, and allowed others to gaslight and manipulate me. That isn’t who I am anymore.

I don’t even recognize that version of me. Here I am 41 years old, just starting my journey into health and taking care of myself psychically, not near as attractive as I may have been years ago, but with more confidence now than I’ve ever had in my life. It’s because I know that physical beauty fades, but what I bring to your soul will last you lifetimes. It’s about the energy I offer.

It amazes me because I think of who I am today and I know without question there are some people I was eager to entertain back then, who would never be given the time of day today. I could spend time crying over the past or feeling ashamed, but all that would do is keep me stuck and repeating those cycles.

My children remember from a very young age hearing me say, “I’m going to get this family right if it kills me.” They and others will remember me for my longevity, my tenacity, my perseverance, and my determination long after I’m gone. Whatever I end up doing with this business I’m building it will invoke your senses. It will teach you to be your own peace and contentment.

It will be manifested likely through writing or speaking. Any success I have with it will be poured back into my local community. Even when shit seems impossible I will never give up. No matter how many times I fall you will find me standing right back up. Giving up isn’t in my nature.

I think the reason I’ve been struggling with my book is because it’s going to require complete transparency and honesty. It forces me to deal with shame all over again, which is never easy. Scorpio doesn’t like me talking about the things I need to talk about in regard to fourth house matters of home and family, but I have Taurus in the tenth house.

Taurus doesn’t see any reason to not be confident in its stance. I am quite confident that for as much as some will judge me the number of people who can be helped and no longer struggle in silent shame would be huge. I think nothing short of me being boldly honest will gain the trust of others.

My chart shows that I can use the challenges I’ve faced in life toward my work. This with the emphasis on relationships with self and others really matches what I want to do. I am mainly interested in helping parents and children.

No parent, regardless what they do, ever intentionally means to harm or traumatize their children. The problem is the parents haven’t dealt with their own trauma and harm. If we can teach them how to do so they can salvage their relationship with their children and break the cycles.

I have very few friends in the real world. My chart indicates I have many friends and allies, but I’m just getting to a point in life where that has become a priority for me. I have so many varied interests and hobbies, goals and dreams, a million unfinished projects in my wake. That has to change.

I’m great at open communication and networking when I want to be. I have the potential to hold the attention of a large audience. Anyone who follows me believes what I have to say, and will have my back in whatever I do. They know I am trustworthy and honest. It draws people to me naturally.

Saturn’s influence in my chart is quite large. This tells us that I will be a late bloomer in achieving my dreams. I have to be careful of the constantly changing dreams, or they may never manifest.

I can’t give up on them just because they take time. I’m working now on balancing and grounding. I’ve always been an aloof, head in the clouds type. Think absent minded professor.

All of my suffering has been caused by people close to me. People you would never expect to betray or hurt you. I have struggled and am still struggling financially in life. A broken marriage was foretold in my chart. Emotional concerns and troubles were always going to be difficult for me to shake, but I did it. If I did it you can, too.

I’ve always had difficulty letting go. Even when I knew I should let go I would hold on with all my might. Trust me when I tell you there are claw marks on anyone or anything I’ve ever had to leave behind. One of the reasons it took so long is Cancer in my 12th house of all that is hidden.

Aristotle said to know thyself is the beginning of all wisdom. It’s the truest thing I have ever read. The journey of self-discovery and your subconscious is the only journey worth taking in my eyes. Without it I never would have evolved to where I am, or believed in where I know I am going.

I felt called to write this for anyone who follows me and is interested in my background or what my chart has to say. I am honest to a fault because at the end of the day I need to lay my head down feeling authentic. I’ve had the ability long before now to sit with uncomfortable feelings and transmute them. Long before I knew that is what I was doing.

Not facing them is far more uncomfortable for me. Living a lie is far more uncomfortable for me. So I choose to face the truth, even if they are hard truths about myself I face them. I’m the only one who can change them. I can’t live with an elephant in the room that is never addressed.




Adjust Your Sails

You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors. ― Andrew Boyd