What will be will be…
Sunday evening Liz and I hosted the first Grand Rising Assembly. Where women come together every New Moon to discuss the astrology and human design of the moment. To create something based upon that energy. To meditate and send loving vibrations to ourselves and the world.
This one was for the New Moon in Scorpio at 20 degrees. It was about sacred rage over the violence and death all over the world. It’s about the rising of the divine feminine energy within us all. We decided to do paintings of what our divine feminine looks like.
It was accidental, but in mine the wings of fire seem to emanate from my hands. There is grass and sand, showing I am rooted and grounded into self. There I am walking on water, to signify it simply means the ability to surf the waves of emotions. None of this a forethought.
The fire touches the water and shoots up to the sky as well. Using emotional waves to create change and grow through what you go through. To use it as fuel for something worthy of the energy you feel must be expressed. For better or worse we create our own realities.
I am going to explain some things we have been going through, and how I have been able to keep it together. I like to give you these real life examples to show you that it’s not always about vibing high. It’s more about accepting where you are, and working from that perspective.
The day after Christmas last year we learned that John’s kidneys had gone from stage 2 to stage 4 kidney disease. This was due to a medication they had him on, which is known to affect kidneys when used long-term. We went through a spiraling process of trying to control blood pressure and fluid retention. He became a guinea pig.
He has an amazing nephrologist, and he wants John on the kidney transplant list. However, they won’t allow him to be reassessed until he loses forty pounds. He had surgery on November 2nd for a fistula. Of course, my dad had surgery right before that.
Needless to say this has deeply affected the finances, as John and I have both had to miss work. In this process I had my own new health issue arise that I had to keep putting off. There just wasn’t enough time to fit myself in, but last Tuesday I was reminded what happens when we forget ourselves.
Throughout this year I found out I have a connective tissue disease, but they aren’t sure which one. My rheumatologist started me on a medication that ended up harming my liver, but thankfully we figured it out, and it was acute. By September I completely skipped a menstrual cycle.
I finally began to bleed on October 3rd, and I haven’t stopped. It’s now November 13th. The pressure can be quite intense, and it feels as if my organs want to drop out of my body. Last Tuesday I bled so heavy that I had to go to the ER. They told me the wall of my uterus is thickening, and I need a biopsy of my uterus to rule out the possible malignancy they found.
The next day John was at the ER because three of his fingers kept turning blue, and his hand and forearm were freezing for days after the surgery. The doctor said that it’s the best fistula surgery they have ever seen, and the problem is the swelling is pressing on the nerve controlling those fingers, so he should be just fine. But no work for two weeks.
In order to try and accommodate for the hours missed at work, and make up some of the financial loss, I agreed to a new plan. I would be allowed to leave early on Tuesdays and Thursdays for appointments, which could help me have to miss less work.
I would make those hours up at $2 more per hour, coming in after hours to clean, shampoo carpets, and keep things spiffy. I was so grateful for this. On Thursday evening I went in after hours and did a ton of cleaning. I hurt so bad when I left there that I couldn’t do anything when I got home. It was after midnight and I just wanted to sleep.
On Friday I worked from 9–5 again, and planned on going back to do some more cleaning. Only I simply could not do it. I came home and I sobbed. I hurt, I was overwhelmed, I was sleep deprived. I knew in that moment I had a choice. To empower my trust in myself and the universe, or to disempower myself and push myself from a lack mindset.
I took a long hot bath. Then a four nap ensued. It felt great knowing that I was taking care of my body. Giving it what it needs and trusting the universe would help me work out the rest. In those moments it can be difficult to make those decisions, but we have to.
If I am approaching this from “I have to earn as much money as possible’ it’s coming from lack and fear. Instead I approached it from a space of knowing that I am the universe. I am consciousness. That all that is available is available to me. I had to accept the need for rest.
Liz and I talk a lot about the power action has to change how we feel. When I am feeling sorry for myself, overwhelmed, anxious, or angry the last thing I want to do is be soft. The last thing I want to do is sage, meditate, take a bath, and calm my nervous system. But I know from experience that every time I do those things anyway they work. I feel so much better.
The truth is life is always going to have difficult parts to deal with, but we do not have to allow those moments to steal the joy and love where we can find it. I take moments throughout the day, no matter how busy I am, to steal away. It could be ten or twenty minutes, but they are mine.
Those frequent pit stops to check in with myself are okay to assert. It’s also okay if I say no to last minute requests when I have requested to be notified ahead of time if I am in need in some way. I cannot be all things to everyone else and nothing to myself. All that breeds is resentment I choose.
Right now we are playing around with different versions of healthier eating. John and I both could stand to lose some weight. I fully understand the gut mind connection, and am ready to be aligned. The autoimmune disorder I have has inflamed and damaged the lining of my gut.
What’s even crazier is right before I started bleeding and didn’t stop, Liz brought up womb healing, and even bought me the book she was reading, so we could learn about it together. Everyday I take intentional steps to check in with myself, my energy levels, and how I’m doing.
Saturday night I went into work again. This time to shampoo carpets. I did the blue part of the back hall, took a break to set up the classroom for the New Moon event we were hosting, and then started the lobby. I got half-way through the carpet around the gift shop and blood gushed out of me.
I didn’t want to leave that section half-done. I cleaned up the best I could and finished it. However, rather than pushing myself to finish the entire lobby I texted my manager, who was sorry that the physical work had done that to my body, and told me to please go home and don’t come in Sunday.
I think a big reason I’m able to bring myself back to gratitude and center every time is the people around me and in my life. That’s why I’m so excited by The Grand Rising Assembly sisterhood. I have John, who is reassuring, gentle, loving, and a safe space to be vulnerable.
I have my children, who I’m learning to release. To love them and let them experience their life as it comes. To stop feeling I need to control everything for them to somehow prevent them from more harm. They teach me so consistently to expand my mind, and find new ways to love.
I have Liz, who is the best partner ever. She and I have a blast doing the podcast, which we have rebranded into the Grand Rising Assembly Podcast. We hope you’ll check us out and subscribe. Going forward it will be some astrology and human design, but also other topics and themes.
Now we are hosting in person events to empower other women. We had such good conversation and connection last night. The idea is to learn how to connect with yourself, so that you can bring authenticity to the table. That’s what connects you with others the most.
I have a job that can be frustrating, but a few of my coworkers and my manager mean so much to me. They are good people with good hearts. They are understanding, supportive, and kind. My life wasn’t always like this. It used to be very dark and very different.
For example, years ago they thought I had cervical cancer. My ex-husband started a fight with me on the way to the appointment to find out if it was actually cancer. He then sat in the car and made me walk in and find out alone without any support.
That night I went to the ER John was trying everything to go with me. To be there, to support me, to love me through whatever we found out. So it’s quite often I recognize I’d be going through these things either way, and at least now I am with someone supportive, who inspires and encourages me to take care of myself and to pursue my highest good.
The night I decided to stay home and nap my daughter went out and bought me some gifts. I just have a lot of love and care in my life that I’ve worked incredibly hard to cultivate. That work was internal. It was shadow work that focused on viewing everything as a reflection. And it meant I spent a lot of time alone during the in-between.
I think that expected loneliness prevents a lot of people from changing. But that loneliness is essential. You have to get to really know yourself. To cultivate self-awareness and turn that into wisdom. You must belong so wholly to yourself before you can truly feel you belong to anyone else.
Yes, I want to give to others without expecting anything in return, but not at the expense of basic human decency. Healthy boundaries are so important, and they do not make you a bad person. It makes you a wise person, who understands that your peace should be a priority, too.
You have to understand that what you tolerate in others reflects the treatment your inner child believes it deserves. And that work is internal. The longer you try to make that the work of others, of religion, of gods, of spirituality, the longer it eludes you.
The kingdom of god is where?
WITHIN YOU.
Every morning I spend time chanting and meditating. I believe science has proven our energy is vibration that attracts things to us. There is nothing I can do regarding past choices, but I can choose differently now. I can choose to trust the timing and the healing process.
“If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration.” — Nikola Tesla
I think where so many get it wrong is they preach good vibes only. However, you cannot change what you cannot accept. And thus, it’s in acceptance of what is, working through your feelings about that, which ultimately brings about the desired result.
I accepted the truth Friday. My body was not in optimal state to do manual labor. My head hurt and so mental and emotional work was out. I didn’t like that I felt that way, but I knew only in accepting it could I change it. So I accepted it, took a bath and a long nap, after a good cleansing cry.
This ultimately led to me waking up Saturday morning excited for the Grand Rising Assembly and grateful for my life and truth. I had accepted the truth, trusted the universe, listened to my body, and transmuted that energy. I was not high vibe on Friday.
It’s understandable because I am human. The things I told you we are going through are only the tip of the iceberg. I am human and Friday this human needed a good cleansing cry, a bath, and a fucking nap. So that’s what I gave her. And we should never feel bad about that.
On Saturday night when I knew I had to leave early, and wouldn’t be able to make up all the lost hours I wasn’t happy about that either, but so far the universe hasn’t let us down. We’ve been able to get through. So I have to trust that it will provide again.
Yes, we are tired. Yes, we are having to make huge changes to our lives. Yes, it’s overwhelming at times. But, we are in this together. Not just John and I, but our children, our friends, our family. And I had to go through such a period of isolation to get to this point.
So many dark and difficult things are happening for my family right now, even extended family that I don’t speak to as often as I wish I did. And somehow we have to hold space for all of that, while maintaining space for the joy, the laughter, and the connection.
Listen to your intuition. Listen to what your body is telling you. Listen to that inner knowing. My next appointment is November 21st. From there we will likely schedule a biopsy. As for John, we are working on the weight loss, and won’t know a date until it’s complete.
In the meantime, I enjoy our moments together. I love when the kids are laughing in the background, and the grandson is running through the house being his wild, beautiful self. I love the people I am cultivating support and empowerment through and with.
Namaste
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