What is the cost of peace?

Just had a Pisces Full Moon in my 8th house of intimate connection, other people’s resources, karmic contracts. Tonight as I was hanging pictures in my personal office it hit me. In my first marriage there was incredible financial abuse involved. He always got his “man cave”, but I had to settle for my computer in the middle of the living spaces.

This was true even when he chose my major and wanted me to go to school online. The four children running around with no help from him, as I’m trying to learn healthcare, write papers, and cry my way through Algebra. I couldn’t trust him to take the kids because I knew he was an asshole. I was repeating familial patterns because that’s what we all do; good or bad.

I hadn’t allowed myself to truly believe John when he said he wants to invest in me and my dreams. Triggers from the past are present. I didn’t realize just how much I was holding back until the other day. I told him I hadn’t spoken up due to fear, but he is so consistently good, and I was going to trust his consistency.

I apologized for not speaking up sooner because of the triggers. He cannot meet needs I don’t bring up. That’s when you start to feel alone. That’s when it’s not peace, but silence. We silence ourselves and abandon our own needs in hopes others won’t abandon us. We wind up resentful and reactive. The relationship ends anyway.