Everyday I wake up next to the most amazing man I have ever met. No, he isn’t perfect, and it took something big for me to accept that. For twenty years I had him on a pedestal. He was always the one that got away. So, when we came back together all this time later the universe needed me to see him for who he truly is, not who I imagined him to be for so long.
I’m not perfect either. It’s something I’ve truly come to accept about me. It’s been so difficult with my Virgo Moon being conjunct Saturn. I want to be perfect and I want you to be perfect, too. But that isn’t realistic. It isn’t fair to me or to you. So, I’ve accepted progress as a better goal than perfection.
It used to matter so much to me that you believed I was perfect. Chiron in the tenth house, ruled by a sixth house Venus? Yeah, I didn’t want to be seen as even almost imperfect. I would bend over backwards in service to others just be told I was needed, valued, and belonged. That I was enough.
What that taught me is that I was needed, sure, but I was almost never valued, and seldom felt I belonged. Getting walked all over doesn’t ever make you feel like enough. No matter how long you let it happen. I had no idea how to set healthy boundaries. I chose to be a doormat for everyone, and then just complain about it to other women and people who did the same.
I inherited a victim mindset. Then I tried to manipulate, unknowingly, my way into people’s hearts and minds. I was unaware I was repeating patterns. The moment I learned about self-awareness and started taking it seriously is the moment my life began to change. Not all at once. Some days I hardly noticed the changes, and then one day boom, I had changed so much.
The lack of self-awareness when I reflect on the past is how I forgive myself. I honestly could not know what I did not know. My parents repeated cycles, and thus I repeated them. As children we learn what we live and that’s what we pass on, unless we’re blessed enough to receive a wake up call. For that, I have to thank my Saturn return.
Everything I went through to get where I am started there. The goal being to save and fix my little family. My relationship to religion, to atheism, to psychology and human behavior, it’s all written in that chart I knew nothing about back then.