Vulnerability is Strength

Last night we sat in this stark, cold room speaking to the crisis therapist for my son. The fluorescent lights reminding me of high school. It almost felt like I was sitting in the principal’s office. The room was not warm or welcoming, but the woman sitting in there with us absolutely was.

My son started talking about his father and the familiar stench of guilt and shame rose to the surface. I write a lot about shame because if I didn’t know how to handle it when it comes I’d ruin any potential for a relationship with my children, and those are the only relationships that matter so much to me I would absolutely die to preserve and protect them.

I stayed in that miserable, toxic, abusive marriage for fifteen years. What my children witnessed and experienced is something I can never change. I didn’t stay because I thought my children deserved it. I stayed because I thought I didn’t deserve better. That I could somehow protect them from the worst of it.

It’s easy to judge me, but you will never judge me as harshly as I have judged myself. If I hadn’t learned to stop judging myself and caring what others thought of me I would likely still be in that marriage. I wouldn’t have any respect or admiration from the four people who mean the most to me in the world. I never lacked love for my children.