Turning Pain into Purpose

First, I want to thank everyone who is still waiting patiently for their charts. One of the reasons I keep starting over is because I am learning more everyday and able to weave together a story. That is what I am going to do for everyone who reads this today. It’s what I want to do for you. I appreciate that you’ve trusted me and are allowing me to learn and practice with your map.

This is my story, but you will be able to understand your own chart much better. You will understand that your pain is where your purpose lies. We are not here to transcend the shadow and human experience. We are here to transmute it. Believe me, as a Pisces South Node I have tried everything to escape my shadow and transmutation.

No one in my entire life has ever made me feel loved or nurtured. I don’t say this to hurt anyone’s feelings. I understand that nothing is as personal as it once felt to me. When I had my own children I was desperate to make sure they felt loved and nurtured, but how do you do something no one ever taught you to do? One of the biggest reasons I want to do this work is because children learn what they live and parents have to do better.

I had the most toxic relationships of almost anyone I know. I stayed in a toxic marriage for fifteen years, and surely my children have trauma. It was my love for them that forced me to push through my fears, my phobias, my escapism, and everything else. My children are the ones who taught me about love and nurturing. I am so grateful and indebted to their souls.

I am a Leo Rising and my soul purpose is to learn how to love myself unconditionally and set healthy boundaries. Then, I am to step into the limelight and figure out how to teach others to do the same. In fact, my entire chart is a weaving together of my relationship to self and how it mirrors and reflects my relationship to everyone else.

Wherever Sagittarius is in our charts is where we find our motivation to learn and grow, as well as our hardest lessons. Well, mine is in the fifth house of children, romance, and self-expression. My Neptune in Sagittarius is there, too. So, that’s where I wore some deep rose-colored glasses.

I already told you my motivation was my children. Well, it’s in my chart, too. How did I learn my toughest lessons? Through intense, toxic, tumultuous romantic relationships. Also, through how others responded to the way I expressed myself. I have a lot of aspects and asteroids that say I learn about myself through other people and that’s just true for me.

I have Aquarius Sun, Mercury, and Mars in the 7th house. I always attracted men who were full of Mars characteristics. Then because my Sun is there I lost myself and found identity through them. None of them could hold an intellectual conversation to save their life, and I will never settle for that again. I need intellectual stimulation and emotional maturity, period.

I want to insert here that our North and South Node are critical to understand. My South Node in Pisces lives in my 8th house. So, I am far more comfortable leaving the details to others. I’m extremely prone to phobias, anxiety, fears, and escapism. My North Node is Virgo in the 2nd house, wanting to bring the dreamy ideas of Pisces into the real world.

I am meant in this life to learn how to be of the Earth. To pay attention to details. To be organized and structured. What a lesson to learn. I am still not where I need to be yet on this. It’s a journey.

When my children were young I would travel in my head often and not even realize it. They would call me ten times right next to me and I wouldn’t hear them at all. I have never connected to the Earthly experience. I have always lived with my head in the clouds. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t structure my life to save it. I’ve always loved the water and this is why.

Everything in my life makes sense viewed from this axis. There are lifetimes I have struggled with the rational, logical mind of Virgo and the Ethereal, Spiritual mind of Pisces. In this life I became a fundamental Christian trying to save my family and almost took my life over it. Then I was a hardcore atheist studying psychology. If I hadn’t gone through those experiences I would never be as tuned in spiritually as I am today.

Prior to becoming an atheist I just went with whatever I thought on a whim. I didn’t know anything about bias or conditioning or anything like that. Things that seem common sense just weren’t for me. I was incredibly book smart, though, and I loved to learn. I just had zero emotional intelligence.

Becoming an atheist taught me about how to use the rational mind. About the fact that we all have biases. We are not our thoughts, but the awareness above our thoughts. As I began studying psychology this made what I learned easier for me to apply to my life. It was not an overnight change. There was a lot of triggers and shame for me to work through.

I don’t know if the triggers ever go away if I am going to be honest with you. What I do know is that no one else is responsible for my triggers. That self-control is a superpower. That when I lose control I am allowing the other person to make me react as if I’m a puppet and they are my master. So, I choose when the triggers come to be self-aware and deal with it on my own.

So, when a trigger would come up, I would remember that I am not the thought or emotion of shame, of fear, of anxiety. Affirmations don’t help the way most teach them. That is a form of toxic positivity that I refuse to subscribe to. Instead, I use them in the moment when I need them.

As an example, let’s say anxiety rises up. I am self-aware because I’ve intentionally worked on that. I will speak to and validate the anxiety. “Thank you for coming to protect me, but I am not in need of protection. Me and my higher self got this.” I repeat it for as long as it takes for the anxiety to settle. I do this with fear, shame, and anything else that pops up.

When we avoid those triggers and feelings we aren’t transmuting them. We aren’t growing or learning. We are simply ignoring and avoiding. This allows us to repeat the impulses and behaviors that caused them in the first place. It keeps us stuck in a victim mindset. You may not be responsible for your wounds, but no one else has access, so you are responsible for the healing.

If I don’t deal with my shame as a mother in a healthy way I will not have a healthy relationship with my children today. Instead, I will pass them the shame like a hot potato, expecting them to validate me. I refuse to do that to my children. My relationship with myself may not have always been good when they were growing up, but it is now, and I can still guide and influence them if I am intentional about it.

Leo Risings are meant to balance the head and heart, the logic and the intuition, and so this is seen through the Nodes as well. I followed my North Node without having ever heard of it. The Virgo North Node wants to build something that represents intellect. It’s in my second house with my Virgo Moon and Saturn.

Virgo Moons need reassurance and want you to fortify us. The problem is that the North Node wants me to reassure and fortify myself. Pisces has zero boundaries. Virgo will often serve others before themselves. Second house is all about self-worth, self-love, and self-respect, though. So, I had to learn to be self-sufficient and not always put others before myself.

Psychology is actually what taught me this. Eventually I gained enough worth to physically leave my ex-husband. Two years later I cut him out of my life completely. I am so far removed from the woman I once was that I amaze myself all the time.

I do not shame who I used to be because it was that desperate, self-loathing woman who invested hours of research to get me where I am today. Her intentions were always, always good. I know because she is me.

The South Node can have me fixated on sticking with the functions that have worked just fine, even if the truth is they aren’t working any longer. My South Node wants to expand my inner world, and that’s fine. It’s a gift I have from past lives. It’s okay to use the gifts we have earned.

However, I am supposed to use them in balance with the rational mind and bring my inner vision into the 3D world. In a material and tangible way.

I also have Jupiter in my first house pushing me to constantly expand how I perceive my environment and how others perceive me. My South Node had to be activated because I did need to remember past life lessons, and expand my inner world first. You have to dream it to build it.

My comfort zone lies in inexplicable self-knowing based on belief in a higher power and non-material source. It’s in the 8th house and represents an intoxicating blend of sensory possibilities. Also, I am ready to bury myself in anything to do with 8th house stuff. The mysteries of life. I am not afraid to dive deep, where even angels fear to tread. It all brings understanding.

The real difference is my Pisces South Node wants to escape responsibility for self. It would be content if I never did anything but meditate all day. However, the Virgo North Node wants me to build a business in helping others learn how to meditate. They are opposites we must learn to balance in this life.

Virgo in the 2nd house is trying to find practical ways to bring the Pisces dreams from the 8th house to life. Saturn there means restrictions and delays in this because I had fears and phobias to sort though. So, here I am at age 41 starting completely over and just fine with that.

Wherever Capricorn is in your chart you have delays and karma, too. Mine is in the sixth house with Venus in Capricorn. So, I obviously have issues with structure, routine, and work. I don’t like responsibility. However, these sixth house transits have been on me. I’m better than I ever was, but not where I need to be.

They will be in this sixth house until December when Saturn and Jupiter move to Aquarius and my 7th house gets the pleasure. Pluto remains in the sixth until 2023. In past lives I must have escaped responsibility in some way. So, in this life I am meant to correct that.

We all have a primal wound that needs healing, too. That’s wherever your Chiron is. Mine is in Taurus in my tenth house. This means I’m probably incredibly encouraging if you want to do public speaking or be in the spotlight, but I don’t want it for myself. Even though as a Leo Rising it’s actually meant for me in this lifetime.

Knowing how to work with your Chiron is a great thing and your Lilith, too. You can turn your pain and wounding into extremely powerful allies here. Your Midheaven or MC can tell you a lot about what sort of a career would suit you. I use whole sign houses, so it doesn’t always fall in the tenth.

When I switched to whole signs and Jupiter and my MC moved it made so much more sense to me than it ever did. So, this is why I was sold. Before I ever learned of birth charts I wanted to write books and teach people how to have healthier relationships with themselves and each other.

Well, my Aries MC is in the ninth house of published writing, teaching, and mentoring. In order to figure out what I am meant to be writing, teaching, and mentoring about we need to find the ruler of Aries in my chart. That is Mars and it’s in my 7th house of one-on-one relationships.

Interestingly enough, if you view my progressed chart I am an Aries Sun, a Pisces Moon, and a Virgo Rising. Aries is my MC, Pisces my South Node, and Virgo my North node. Eerily coincidental.

So, what you have just learned is that my greatest pain is actually my biggest purpose. That is true for all of us. We have to stop allowing shame, fear, anxiety, and worry over what others will think prevent us from sharing our stories. Shame cannot survive being spoken out loud. Start just by speaking it to yourself if you can’t muster the courage to speak it to others.

My greatest shame in life is the ways in which I failed as a mother to my children. They deserved who I am today back then, but I hadn’t been shown what they needed in my own life experience. As a child I could only learn what I lived and repeat that pattern. It never meant I didn’t love my children.

When I did learn it was because my love for them fueled me to research for hours and figure it out on my own. So again, there are two choices here. I can look back and hang my head in shame, foregoing a healthy relationship with them today, or I can be proud that even without any external guidance I was able to find my way.

Know thyself. That is the beginning of ALL wisdom.


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