The Mental Load:
I am done settling in life. I am ready to walk into my highest power and level up in this incarnation. I’ve done it slowly for two decades. It’s time to speed this process up. Not from a place of desperation or hustle. I do not feel rushed at all. It’s from a space of deep, intuitive knowing.
You’re so close universe, but not quite. And I know that starts with my refusal to settle for almost. To command more from myself by not taking on the mental load of everyone else. Their loads are not mine to carry.
Even if I am responsible for their pain I have taken accountability with consistently changed behavior. It’s all I can do. It’s all any of us can do, and most people do not even do that. Sovereignty over my emotions has been life changing. Does that mean I’m perfect?
Nope. I sort of lost my cool today. It’s the first time in a while. It’s so frustrating to me when things are obvious and people play dumb. They project their lack of stepping up as your refusal to ask them to. They gaslight you in order to remain okay with their own reflection.
I am not tolerating that behavior in others when I don’t tolerate it in myself. If you point out something I’m doing that hurts you or causes resentment I will seriously take a look at myself, get to the root of that, and evolve. I will not use your insecurities against you to feel better about myself.
Today I learned a valuable lesson, but a hard one. It’s very easy for me with Venus in my sixth house, ruling the third of environment, that I would try to soothe everything for everyone. The Leo Rising with her Sun in the 7th house conjunct Mercury and Mars.
The one who thought once upon a time she was destined to keep falling for potential she put on pedestals. The one everyone comes to in order to be led, but who don’t understand I can only lead them back to themselves. There is nothing else outside of the self that will change your life.
I’m not the one abandoning your inner child; you are. I had people on pedestals in the past that I wouldn’t give the time of day to now. I have nothing but love for them. Certainly I no longer have the time. I want more and the only thing stopping me from having it is me.
From the time I wake up in the morning to the time I go to bed I am carrying so many mental loads. I get incredibly overstimulated when I try to wear all the things, and that’s when I lose it. So, I’ve started saying I can’t talk about this right now, and meaning what I say.
Either I have the capacity or I don’t. And if I don’t, you know I don’t, you claim to love me, and you can watch me suffer or struggle without offering to pitch in that isn’t okay. Don’t tell me to ask you. No one made me a list.
Did you make a list in your head and go over it a million times with a fine tooth comb? Write it down a few times as you scribble things out and add things in? What would you have done if I wasn’t around for this?
If you can see the things that need to be done do them. No one else told me what needs to be done. My Capricorn Venus attracts obligations on the shadow side. As she evolves she wants more sophistication.
It’s not sophisticated to weaponize incompetence. Pretend to be bad at something, so you’re not expected to do it again? That’s a bridge too far for me. And as I’ve been telling you all don’t settle. Not in romantic partnerships, not with family, not for half-ass friends, not for anything that doesn’t speak to your authentic sense of belonging and safety.
Be willing to let go of people, of ideas, of beliefs, habits, behaviors, versions of you that you no longer need to protect you. It’s very much in my astrology and human design that I easily become led by other people’s time clocks, needs, desires, and whims.
However, since I’ve made the unconscious conscious I can transmute that. I can become pickier with who I allow to be around my energy. And I can do that with so much love in my heart for them. Love is not enough. I have Venus in the sixth house. I need more than obligation and duty.
Mercury is in Sagittarius. They say that means he’s in detriment because he rules the opposite sign of Gemini. Mercury is more of a data collector. It’s Sagittarius who tries to make sense of the data. Today Mercury is square the Moon in Pisces. Everything I am writing is in all of my charts.
Even the fact that I would have a surprise biopsy today, where they pinched off a piece of my uterus. And right now, after what happened, I feel very hurt and confused. There is that small voice, ever smaller and smaller, that tries to creep in “What if they all abandon you?”
Then they are abandoning themselves because I am worthy of belonging to, and anyone who cannot see and appreciate that is likely not ready to work on the reflection I offer them of themselves. That’s how relationships of every single kind work. We are mirrors to one another of what needs to be healed within. And sometimes your resentment is a choice.
And when resentment builds and builds, it doesn’t have anywhere to go eventually. So it’s going to erupt and come out. You’ll have an off day out of twenty. You’ll be in extra pain from a biopsy after you’ve been bleeding for two months, and told you may have cancer.
And no one is carrying that mental load for me. Not one single person has been vulnerable with me and sat with me in those feelings. And you will slip and say something sarcastic or over-react to a situation. It won’t be the small thing that made you erupt. It will be the straw that breaks the camel’s heavy back. This is why people pleasing never works.
You’re trying to keep them from abandoning you, while the whole time you’re abandoning yourself. We teach people how to treat us, and no matter how long I am on this intentional journey I am STILL learning about myself. Still trying to figure out where to draw my lines.
All I know is my mind is made up that I am not settling. So everyone needs to match my energy, as far as the ability to be real and vulnerable, to want to connect on a deeper level, to not waste my time and energy trying to keep me small, or add more burdens and weight to my shoulders.
I cannot be there for someone who doesn’t let me know I’m needed. I cannot feel connected and bonded to anyone who isn’t willing to expose themselves, in order for me to truly fall in love with more than their potential. From pedestal to potential to gone happens when you least expect it, but the whole time one foot was out the door.
Mercury in Sagittarius means you might say something wrong, but what you speak is the truth. The reason Sagittarius can be so dogmatic and certain is because they are constantly seeking the truth, and along the way they feel they’ve found it a million different times.
Something I said was straight from the heart and I still see it as truth. There is my Sagittarius fifth house Neptune being affected via transits of Mercury, Mars, the Sun. Mercury squaring the Moon today what I said upset someone else, and while we did not scream and yell at one another, there was tension in the air that normally never is. It’s truly so rare.
There are times you don’t realize you’ve even been harboring resentment because you’ve been so busy trying to hold everything together. If I’m useful than I am making a difference right? But for who? At whose expense?
And as Mars enters Sagittarius he’s going to square off with Saturn, who is sitting in the 8th house of joint resources and intimate connection. It may be time to have some more uncomfortable conversations, and face some fears of rejection and abandonment.
People don’t know what they don’t know. But once I show you, put my heart on the line, expose my needs, your reaction will determine whether or not I feel safe doing that in the future, or learn it was a waste of my energy, and refuse to settle for wasting my own potential.
I used to think I wasn’t even worth this level. To feel like I deserve this and more was hard won. But I do. Watch this space. ❤
