The Inner Circle Initiation

Everyone around me knows that I love them. At this point if there are still questions and doubts those are no longer mine to soothe. This is my soft girl era, and I’m not going hard to prove myself to anyone anymore. I know who I am and who I am has always been good enough. What was lacking was never my worth, but my knowledge of it.

And that’s on purpose.

Even the most atrocious things I’ve said and done do not make me undeserving of the present moment, of love, of connection, of anything any other traumatized, imperfect being desires. But I am no longer going to beg you for those things, and I don’t care who you are.

I promise you if I were to leave certain people’s lives they would know instantly what I brought to their table, but I am unafraid to eat alone. In fact, a small space by a beach, with some woods nearby sounds great. A private, secluded, empty beach. Just me and my sighs of contentment.

For every year that I have been alive I have begged people to love me in one way or another. And even when I stopped begging I talked until I was blue in the face. Desiring reciprocation and getting resentment instead. And I am putting those years behind me because all of it is a choice.

It’s so hard to make the better choice. For centuries marriages were arranged to benefit men. They controlled all the resources and “provided” for the women and the family. Women couldn’t vote. We couldn’t own our own property. We couldn’t have credit cards or bank accounts.

Stop falling for those stupid memes on Facebook about how people don’t stay together like grandma and grandpa anymore. My grandmother married three child molesting abusive men, and she knew they were that way. I inherited who knows how many years of that to uncover and overcome. I could tell you stories for days, but that’s not why I’m here.

I don’t need you to hear my story, tell me how sad it is, validate the victim I’ve been the past forty five years of my life. I no longer have the desire to focus on the explanation, the why, the roots of the issue. If you want to keep living in the distant past, when so much has changed, then that is your choice. Far be it for me to keep dragging you back to the present.

In five years I will be fifty. I’m done going hard for people. There isn’t a single soul on this planet who has ever gone hard for me. I don’t know a single person in my personal life who has gone through the trauma I did and came out on the other side. If I never grow another ounce what I’ve managed to do already is more than enough.

Either you want me in your life or you do not. But this bullshit about holding me accountable for things I haven’t said or done in years is not a side effect I’m willing to encounter for your company. This idea that you are allowed to be imperfect and affected by your trauma, but I have to fit on a too small pedestal of your design without falling is ridiculous.

This competition people have with victimhood and who had it harder is beneath every single fucking one of us. And what you focus on grows, so good luck with ever getting out of your own spirals that way. It doesn’t matter what happened to you. Nobody honestly cares.

And your desire to validate what you already know as true is a waste of your time. You know it’s true. It’s also true that you could understand cycles and things not being personal. It’s also true that you could decide that you didn’t deserve any of it without anyone else ever saying those words to you.

Everything is what it is. But if you’re telling the stories of your victimhood you will never be able to share any real, lasting success. You’ll be chasing moments of external validation, while inside you suffer, and feel like a imposter who is one move away from being found out.

You tell on yourself.

You will never outperform your inner circle. Let that sink in deep. Are you surrounded by yes people? Are you surrounded by people who feed into your victim narrative? Because you’ll never outperform that. You’ll stay stuck and speak more reasons to be a victim into existence.

I’m no longer willing to be half-assed tolerated. I’m getting incredibly picky about who has access to me. I am not arrogant. I am in need of protecting my peace and energy. Don’t claim to love me if you’re just going to throw me under buses and bring me down.

I have a proven record of elevating myself. Of doing the shitty, hard work I write about and speak about all the time. I am a completely different woman than I used to be, and a newer version has arrived. This newer version of me requires I be less accessible to keep reciting old narratives.

I can’t keep doing other people’s work for them. There are only so many times I can say something before I have to realize it’s not getting through. No matter what I’ve done in the past I am accountable in the present. And if that isn’t enough for you I am done apologizing.

Everything I’ve ever said sorry for I have backed up with action. I have changed every behavior I’ve ever apologized for. I am done apologizing for things I no longer do. I am done vibrating on the the level of the shame that keeps me in neverending loops of low self-esteem and mistreatment.

Love me or leave me. But even if you claim to love me I am no longer afraid for you to leave. Because I am going to be okay no matter what. And that’s on the truth. That’s on the work I’ve done. I won’t hate you. I will simply love you from a distance, wishing you all the healing you so deserve, but cannot find it in you to give yourself at this time.

The other day I was chatting with a friend. She said in my human design I have a defined will. I feel that on such a deep level. I have a indomitable will and I will stop at nothing to reach my next level with integrity. I have always been the higher version of me. I just had to dig to let her out.

The stories you tell yourself about the shit you’ve been through is what keeps you going through it. Rewrite the fucking narrative and stop whining because you’re wasting precious time. Nothing can bring me peace except my refusal to participate in situations that disrupt it without good cause.

No matter how much you grow and evolve it will never be enough for some people. That’s okay, allow it to be enough for you. You keep talking about other people and how awful they are for all the things they’ve done to you. I am talking about moves, dreams, big ideas, and things that empower me to enter a new vibration where people around me aren’t awful.

If I ever abuse the fact that you allow me in close proximity to you it is never intentional or personal. Therefore, if you bring it to my attention I will take verbal accountability through a sincere apology. And then I will change the behavior that made you feel I abused you.

Who can do more than that? Most people will never do even that. So I say again, I know who I am. I know what I bring to the table. Either you want to sit down together or you don’t. But don’t tell me you do if you’re going to keep throwing me under buses and disrespecting my name behind my back. Why do you want me around if I’m so awful in your eyes?

My real inner circle is within me. It’s the feeling and joy I meet when I sit in meditation and gratitude on purpose. When I am in deep visualization for my future. You ever manifested something so hard it came to life before your eyes, and when it did you weren’t satisfied?

People are imperfect. It’s not just you. Stop wasting so much time trying to convince other people to love you, and learn how to sit with and love yourself. If self-love is too hard go for self-tolerance. Then move to self-acceptance once you build that muscle. Eventually you will get to the point where you will become the love of your own life.

There is nothing more beautiful than that. At least to me. Maybe you disagree with me, and that’s okay. Even in this moment, as I realize I did something that I’ve been trying not to do, and shame arises, I still love myself. Enough to remind myself shame is a passing thing.

There is nothing I could say or do that would make me go back to a time where I didn’t believe I was worthy of love. There is no one who can make me feel loved more than me. Because if I don’t believe I’m worthy of love no one can ever truly make me feel loved.

I just had a conversation with my daughter, who used to say fuck you to gender roles, and is now embracing them. She believes it’s a man’s job to love and provide for his wife, but life isn’t like that. Sometimes the man gets sick or he dies. Sometimes he decides to cheat and leave.

The truth is that romantic love was invented to control women. Prior to the Middle Ages marriages were arraigned, and lower class men were not guaranteed a wife to replace their mothers. This was a way to get higher class women to give them a chance.

I’m not saying people don’t marry for love, but I’m telling you that the romanticized version you feel in the beginning is fleeting. That will never change. You can deeply love and care for someone, but at some point reality is going to set in that butterflies and constant desire is a fairytale kind of life that doesn’t last forever.

For centuries women and children were abused by the men in their lives. Men pillaged and raided villages, kidnapping women for themselves. There are still laws on the books that say a woman cannot choose to cut her hair without her husband’s permission.

Women were forced legally to stay in abusive marriages, which of course is always going to affect the kids. Women learned from their mothers, who learned from theirs, and there would always be some who said fuck that. But even in their desperate attempt to be something different than who raised them they found themselves fighting an uphill battle.

Women are born unworthy, or treated as such from the day they are born. A woman was told that to marry a man meant they became one. And this meant she became his, took his last name, he owned everything. Women were trapped and enslaved, and this created generations of trauma just recycled from one to the next.

There isn’t a single parent in this world who hasn’t in some way traumatized their child; even if it’s not abuse or brutal. Every single person on this planet has mommy and daddy issues. The only difference is to what degree, and in how they manifest.

Police took the side of the husbands. Husband’s could have you involuntarily locked up in a mental ward if they got tired of you. Then you’d be away from your children. They controlled all the resources and the votes for centuries. Women were to be silent and suffer for “love”.

It’s not like this did men any favors either. Being forced to shut up and provide. Never talk about how they feel. Bottle it all up. Escape in beer, sex, and whatever other pleasure there is. Some of them creating entire second families, when women would never have time for that.

Of course they would learn to be abusive and reactive. So yes, like many women who came before me I was raised by women who let men control everything. They even let these men harm their children because what choices did they really have? So anyone who calls feminism a lie should lose all their rights and have to fight and die for them like we did.

Generations of men dead before they ever see a solid step in the direction of them having equal say to a woman. I told my daughter for the first time in my life I have a career that would allow me to fully support myself if I had to. There is a liberation in that beyond belief for me. I am also working on some side projects that should roll in even more money for me.

Growing up no one provided. We were just neglected and went without. When my children were young and I worked I made very little money. I lived in low income housing. In my first marriage he did work and provide, but he used that as one more form of abuse. People forget that the women are abused, too, and often don’t have resources to protect the children.

What I’m learning as Mercury is about station direct and re-enter my house of personal resources and self-respect is where I have let shit slide. Because I’ve allowed others to have the control. That’s my Pisces South Node. Shit is super hard to break. But I have an Aries MC. This is all on me.

For the first time in my life I can support myself. No need for low income housing. No need for government assistance. It’s true that with John we are struggling due to his health and inability to work, but we’ve made some huge changes toward correcting our situation.

But should this situation fall apart I can afford a small two bedroom apartment and that’s all I need. So yes, we struggle, but there is this part of me that understands I will not sink. That my livelihood, should it come down to it, doesn’t rely on anyone other than me.

I value myself too much to keep playing games. To keep hoping one day someone will match my energy. And I’m not just talking about romantic relationships, but all relationships.

I’m done fighting for a spot in the lives of people who can take or leave me. Just leave me. Otherwise, don’t be surprised when I leave you.

So much of what I thought I wanted just months ago I am no longer willing to keep entertaining. It’s amazing how quickly shit changes. And I will think a transit to my chart is going to play out a certain way, but I always end up so surprised in the end. Even if I guessed correctly I am never prepared for exactly how it’s going to go down.

Think of what I just told you. I have liberation and freedom that I never expected in my career. Where is the planet of liberation and shocking freedom? Transiting my Taurus tenth house of career.

If you would have asked me a few months ago if I was going to be considering the things I’m considering I would have laughed at you. But the truth is I remain open. So while I would have laughed I would had this small part of me that thought, well, maybe.

I have sat with myself through every uncomfortable part of this journey. I have been forced to face the darkness that lives inside of me. And to teach it how to be attracted to the light. Sometimes being petty feels like the better answer, but it’s not. It means I lacked self-control.

I cannot unsee this. Today at work a white man was angry, which is not uncommon. And the way he spoke and acted I’m sure he thought he sounded tough. He sounded four years old. You are grown man, sir. Have some sense about you.

The more easily you agitate the more healing you have to do. It changes the entire way I approach the situation.

Mean, abusive people are afraid. They are insecure and lack a sense of control. So they try to control you. My favorite line is by Taylah Davies. “I’m sorry that I’ve given you the impression that I would tolerate that level of disrespect.” Because honestly I’m done.

Do not come at me stupid and expect me to sit and take it ever again. I’ve got zero excuses left. Especially for those in my inner circle who have been initiated into the methods and tools. I did not break the cycles early in my children’s lives, and I own that. But I fucking broke them.

And without me as their mother maybe another woman would not have. I was not only breaking the shackles of the women who came before me in the family, but in the whole fucking world. And now my daughter is breaking them earlier with her son.

That’s all we can do. And that’s enough. You are enough. I’m sorry if this world and the people in it have made you question that. Please learn how to validate it for yourself. Because no one can tell you’re not if you simply choose to believe you’re worthy. The power is yours alone. That’s what they don’t want you to know, but now you know.

Remember above when I said no one has ever gone as hard for me as I have for them? Well, I’ve never gone harder for anyone than I have my children. They may not see it that way, but for the last years of my marriage I was going hard day and night. I was learning all I could about the human mind, parenting, and habits. I was trying and retrying.

And here I am today, a completely different woman and mother. It no longer matters to me that my children validate that. And tonight I passed a final test with that. Because my worthiness is not even in the hands of my children. It’s in my own. Always has been.

And that’s the greatest lesson I’ll ever teach them by living it out loud. ❤

The alternative is to keep making them feel pressured to perform for my acceptance and approval. It’s to keep living in shame and projecting it onto them. It’s in tolerating less than I deserve. And in the process teaching them that example instead. It isn’t in me. That isn’t going to be my legacy.

I love you.

If you’re inclined to help our situation I appreciate the tips. They are never expected, but I promise I appreciate them more than words.

Cashapp: $Kdoxsie

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