The In-Between
My whole entire journey has been about sovereignty. Wherever Pallas is in your chart is where you’re likely to become incredibly wise, as Pallas Athena is where you are able to pick up on and perceive patterns. For me that’s in the house of relationships, in Aquarius.
And it seems to me that everything has always come in threes, and now I understand why. Years ago I wrote a blog about the number three. And just days ago, right before this realization, someone I love said he kept seeing 3’s at work, and told his coworker what I taught him about manifestation.
Now suddenly it’s all 4’s. The number 6 has been so present since this entire thing started, too. Foundations, home, family, unconditional love. But three was about connecting that my mind had to be changed first, then my beliefs (soul), and now it’s time for my body to catch up.
For the external world to start reflecting all of the inner growth.
And here we are, approaching spring and the real New Year. A friend and I went to the lake the other day. There is still ice covering most of the lake, but it’s melting. The skies were so blue, the Sun shining, and she and I were having a conversation about how I know I need to remain single right now.
There are aspects of me that need to be more fully developed. And right on cue, I received a message from someone that was a sign for them, but they had no idea the confirmation it was for what I had just spoken out loud. And this time I didn’t message this person about how I felt. I kept it to myself, trusting that the Universe would confirm it if I was right.
Being at that lake was so healing. Just sitting on a meditation cushion, soaking up the Sun, feeling the cold breeze on our faces. Suddenly an otter showed up, but not long enough for me to get a picture. And that’s okay, because my signs are for me.
Something I’ve learned recently is that I was using signs to point to specific outcomes, and that isn’t what they do. Those signs were never promising me forever with someone else. They were guiding me to engage with that someone, in order to learn more about myself.
And the way we have both surrendered this. Used it to create spaces of discomfort. Remained rooted in deep love and respect. The way that I never imagined feeling chosen by someone who chooses to walk away. But it’s all in your perspective, I guess.
Other men in the past knew they weren’t ready for me, and they were selfish and chose themselves. Chose to take advantage of my weak boundaries and low self-respect. He would never do that. He cares so much about doing his own emotional labor, and not hurting me.
So, now I’m in this in between space. Where I don’t know where things are headed, but learning to deeply trust the unknown. I talk about this stuff a lot, but make no mistake, this is not easy for me. But neither is settling for chasing and begging others to choose me for the rest of my life.
After all the healing, all the growing, all the conversations with ChatGPT and real human beings, I laid in bed last night panic stricken. It came out of nowhere. It’s true my tags are expired, I’m half a car payment behind, and my insurance just got cancelled.
But when I left John after he assaulted me I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, and that I was going to have to trust. I tried podcasts several times, and honestly, now that Venus and Mercury have gone Rx in my 9th house I’m just realizing I don’t think that’s for me.
Structure is not my strong suit. I like to create via inspiration. And I understand that right now is an in between time. Until the end of April old cycles are still closing out, and trying to rush it, rather than trust it won’t produce the manifestation I’m aiming for.
Like those dying leaves under water that is what this feels like. I laid there last night so anxious. I got up and moved my body, understanding the best thing to do is regulate the nervous system first. I practiced all my normal tools, and still the anxiety clung to me.
I’ve learned to navigate it and let it exist when it comes. But I knew I had to work this morning, and the hours ticked by where I laid there not sleeping. It dawned on me the Universe wanted me to prove I trust by calling off work. I was so nervous. It made the anxiety worse at first.
But the moment I did it the anxiety left me. Because listen, do I trust I’m going to be taken care of, or don’t I? I decided to trust. This allowed me to finally fall asleep, and I woke up from terrible dreams an hour later.
When I finally fell back asleep I don’t remember dreaming, but for whatever reason woke up 2.5 hours later. In that photo you can see the ice is melting, the way our resistance has to in order to allow in what we want. And even after we start intentionally letting go of resistance it can remain for quite a while. It’s suffocating work to dissect and remove it.
Come up for air. Use these times that feel stagnant to process and expand your capacity to hold what is coming. Because the truth is, a chronically dysregulated nervous system doesn’t know how to hold the vision you have if it were to come in. Could you handle it all at once?
Eventually you’ll reach dry land. And you’ve gained so much wisdom through learning how to release resistance and trust the process, even when, especially when it’s hard to trust. And while there may still be challenges they won’t seem near as big or as loud.
Whenever I feel the urge to fall into trauma habits I turn on my manifestation playlist and dance. I do stretches, yoga, vagus nerve exercises, and I wait for my body to calm down. Because the body does keep the score, and so I start there.
Once I complete that I am better able to change my thoughts if necessary. Or at least sit in them without fear or projection taking place. It’s usually at that poing I go talk it out with ChatGPT. I always ask it for honesty.
The Universe is always reaching its hand out to help pull us to shore. We just have to remove what’s in the way of us grabbing it. So right now, stop freaking out that you can’t control how fast something takes place. Breathe and recognize the importance of preparing yourself for it, so that when it actually comes you won’t sabotage it endlessly.
And as for the otter it was a brilliant sign for this.
It represents joy, community, and balance. I have redefined what home and family are for me. I’ve completely integrated the lesson that love is freedom. And that community isn’t always close in proximity. Stability is found in convincing yourself they can take it all tomorrow, and the next day you’d go out and get it again.
It’s found in those who are a stable support when life is anything but stable. And the titles, labels, and meanings we ascribe don’t always matter.
Otters are know for being playful, and right now that’s what I’m trying to embody more of in my life. I’ve never been allowed to play and explore. It’s a way to rediscover freedom. The otters symbolized the message I got in that moment. Community can look so different than you ever imagined.
She and I had also spoken about interconnectedness, and how that plays out when you have an Aquarius 7th house. It’s about friendship, which this man and I have deeply cultivated. It’s about peace, fairness, and family, which are the reasons we choose not to be together right now, but to appreciate everything the other is doing to prepare for whatever is next.
I am currently working with ChatGPT during these retrogrades to deeply understand where my voice is most needed. I simply cannot do something that feels performative and fake. So once again, I’m asking you to hold space for my Aries 9th house to crash and burn. Lol
The Aries lessons, wherever they are in your chart, are also crashing and burning for you. We have one last eclipse there soon. And Mars, who rules Aries, has just come off from a long Rx, and is still in a sign he isn’t always happy being in.
But first we have an eclipse in Virgo on the 14th.
A Full Moon eclipse is cutting something out in the house that Virgo is for you. For me it’s the 2nd house of resources, values, and self-worth. And Mercury, who rules that house, is currently Rx in the 9th. So, I’ve accepted more in between time is the rule here.
I am releasing any outdated ideas about what I deserve financially. I’m restructuring long-term visions and goals because he also rules the Gemini 11th house. Windfalls are possible. I know an inheritance is coming at some point, and taxes still need to be done. These Rx’s are both in my house of legalities, and will back into my house of other people’s resources.
You want to manifest the life of your dreams, but have you conquered imposter syndrome? Have you truly released the control and the outcome? Because just when I think I have, another layer shows up. Do that work.
You will see the results.
Added later:
Right after I posted this blog I went to share the link with my friend who went to the lake with me. And we happened to message at the same time. Then my daughter’s fiance asked if he could check the mail, which becomes very relevant. Because every time I trust the Universe it works.
My daughter was so upset that her packages said delivered two weeks ago, and were not in the mailbox. She decided to trust the Universe. She told the Universe last night, that if she was meant to stay at her current job, let her work jacket order show up within a week.
Well, when Rigo went to check the mail there were three parcel keys that had been there the whole time. The whole time the packages were there, but today I needed signs, and that was one. It was an answer to hers, too.
It reminds me of the blog I wrote about the hoodie she got me. How I said to the Universe on lunch, “If I’m such a powerful manifestor show me. Bring me a gift within the next 24 hours, and make sure I cannot mistake that this gift is from you.” I went back to work and forgot about it.
Later that evening Jasmyne came home from the thrift store with a hoodie for me. On the front was an astrology wheel. On the back was the word manifestation. And you cannot make that up.
If you’d like to help me with the vehicle stuff it’s so appreciated:
Cashapp: $Kdoxsie
Venmo: @Katrina213
