This year has me being tested on old lessons the universe has already taught me. For the most part, I’ve done extremely well, but I am human as well as divine, so I strive for progress over perfection. What I have come to know and firmly believe is that unless you have a connectedness to self you will never experience true connectedness with another being.

Tonight I sat in my bed and sobbed. In that moment I was feeling separate from someone I absolutely want in my life. This is someone whose energy visits me consistently and has for almost a year now. So, when I tell you this person and I cannot truly be separated I mean it. Their energy will never leave me alone no matter what is happening in the 3D world. It’s a soul contract.

So, why did I sit there crying? Well, ego I guess. I felt like the universe had just played this huge joke on me. I want to be loved as hard as I love. Well, I am loved that hard by this person. The reason we aren’t together isn’t a lack of love and feelings. The feelings are so big, so huge, so out of this world different than either of us has experienced, and that’s the catalyst.

The longer I sat there meditating on it, doing my best to trust the universe, the answers came to me. This connection is meant to push me to become a fully realized version of this woman I’ve grown into. If I were given the gift of this full reunion now I would not be ready. This other person is also being reborn and not in any way ready now. We both have some growing to do.

My North Node requires me to be self-reliant. To own my worth and not have it tied up in who is physically at my side or what I own and possess in life. Thus, I’m being encouraged to keep going. I have a business to plan and start. I have a book to write. I have so many goals and dreams that have to take priority right now. I am not done becoming. We never are really.

This connection awakened me to the shadow and the light as it was meant to do. There are still bits of me that don’t feel worthy or good enough. This showed up in the connection. Where both of us felt unworthy showed up if I’m honest, and we can’t heal that in one another. Healing is an inside job and we both know this. So that’s the next phase of our connection.

I’m choosing gratitude that this person is at least in my life again. Grateful that I get to watch this person grow and evolve into the potential I awakened in them. So blissfully happy to be connected in some way, shape, or form outside of the energetic pull we have, which is fantastic on its own.

In order to be a good partner for this person I must first believe I’m worthy of being their partner. I must believe I am worthy of the love they offer me. That I am worthy of the connection. Of course I am because we are all worthy. We all come from the same source. We are all one. It cannot be this person’s job to constantly validate me.

They have to learn to validate themselves, and my god is that hard. I remember when I first started that journey. To this day, years later, I am still finding I initially respond with that “not good enough” feeling. The real difference is I no longer react to that feeling. I’m self-aware enough to catch it before it leaves my lips.

When the thought comes I stop myself. I remind myself that what is happening right now is not a reflection of my worth. It’s a reflection of this other person and the shit they are going through right now. That’s the truth and it would be stupid for me to continue believe I am the problem.

My relationship with myself has to be strong. It doesn’t have to be perfect. If two people are self-aware they can remind each other when one goes off the rails, but you do need two very self-aware people who can speak from intellect and not emotion when necessary.

One of us isn’t there yet, and I’m discovering that as self-aware as I am there are some things I haven’t pushed myself on hard enough. So, I’m going to get some sleep with a smile on my face. I’ll wake up tomorrow, clean my space, eat well, drink water, exercise, do some birth charts, and get back in the flow.

When you are in “separation” from someone remember that you’re never really apart. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and call in their energy. You will feel it envelope and surround you. Meditate and journal to discover what in you still needs to heal because honestly, even if the person came back would it last? Do you want them to feed your ego or your soul?

My ego is tired. I’m growing my soul now. What you put into your body, mind, and spirit matters. From what you listen to, to the people you choose to hang around, to the food you eat. Be mindful and feed your soul over your ego, otherwise, you’ll never feel satiated and keep seeking more in all the wrong spaces and all the wrong people; all while projecting the blame.

It is your relationship to yourself that will be mirrored back to you from every other relationship you have. If you get your relationship with self good all your other relationships will be good. If you choose to avoid healing and remain toxic within your external relationships will be trauma based and toxic. There is no way around this.

Chiron being retrograde in Aries is a great time to tackle your inner work, learn to love yourself, and stand in your worth.

Here are some resources:

“The relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.” ~Robert Holden

Remember, if you don’t love yourself you’ll always be chasing after people who don’t love you either.

You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors. ― Andrew Boyd