Have you ever just been so done? Your last nerve has been rattled and you’re one more mishap away from flooded cheekbones and sobs? Just a bunch of big things gone wrong with small things gone wrong in between? As if you have been tested, intentionally practiced patience, kept it together, and yet the tests keep coming and don’t stop? That’s where I am. Stick a fork in me.
My entire childhood sucked. There was abuse, neglect, utter abandonment. Still I maintained what I thought was good in the world and chased it. I fell prey to the audacity of men at a young age, and society’s messages didn’t help. I had sex at thirteen. I was pregnant by seventeen. What no one talked about was happening. They just didn’t know how to talk about it.
The answer is never to be more conservative. It’s never more tough love. It’s never more bullshit hypocrisy. It’s learning to be uncomfortable, so that you can teach your children and others what real belonging, understanding, and intimacy is. It doesn’t always feel good at first. So you can learn what that is for yourself.
I got married at age 28 for religious reasons. He was always an asshole and that would never change. We were told by the church we were living in sin. I had only started taking our faith seriously to try and save our family and do better by my children. I had NO ONE in my ear. Not one person like me who would talk about hard things. Who would be honest.
They all sat around talking shit about me as I lost my mind. And still I pressed on. No, I have not always been mother of the year, but I have fought like hell to become her. I am still striving everyday to be a loving, reassuring, honest, and authentic voice in their ear, and yours, too.
I became a hardcore atheist and fought politics for a while. At that time I also started studying human behavior and psychology. I learned nothing is as personal as it feels, but let me tell you something, it always feels personal still. It takes real intentional work to get good at this.
I learned that claiming my victimhood over and over was harming me more than it was anyone else, and it was harming my children as a byproduct. I learned that I don’t need to feel worthy in order to make decisions in line with self-worth. Those decisions can be made regardless how you feel.