Rising after the Reckoning

Nothing will come to you before you’re ready. And you won’t be ready until you’re with someone who doesn’t make you want the promise of forever. With someone who just lives in the present moment with you, letting the course lead wherever it may. You’re ready when in trust and surrender.

My relationship with John is over. The first two years were good, minus the hiccup in the beginning where he was chatting with other women. However, even before he got sick things had changed. I asked him one day why he no longer texted me throughout the day and flirted.

He said he did that to get me, but now he had me, so it didn’t make sense to him to keep putting that energy into me. But I’m worth that energy. And I tried communicating. I tried making space for his illness. Asking if he thought therapy would help. I tried everything and then some.

And then I had to practice what I’ve been preaching.

It got to the point where I was not feeling safe physically around him. The mental and emotional safety had long since left the partnership. The South Node in Libra was teaching us that peace is not an option. If you want peace you have to move through the conflict in the way of it.

I am currently typing this from my own apartment. It’s a two bedroom for me and my oldest son. He is thrilled to be out of that energy. It got to the point where every time I was at work he would make my son uncomfortable, and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

Everything is more expensive. I was paying for everything at that house except his truck and the mortgage, but since we had group plans some of the bills were cheaper. Now everything is just in my name. One bill went from $35 a month to $118. But I still have so much peace because I know the Universe didn’t bring me this far to leave me here.

Everything in my first marriage was his. I left with nothing because I didn’t own anything. Everything in this relationship was mine. I had built it up after leaving Dan. But I left that to him. I promise I will leave everything behind and just rebuild once you push me past my limits. Have it all. It’s just stuff. And stuff can be replaced. My peace is my responsibility.

Things are more expensive and I don’t want a second job. So thank you to those of you who have reached out for readings. I will be fully available soon if you’re looking to get to know yourself better, and feeling drawn to interact in faith and trust with me.

I will get a website up and going soon. In the meantime email me at innerselfcouncil@gmail.com. Let me know which of the following readings you’re interested in and I will set up a time and date. I know it’s a bit inconvenient, but payment is through Cashapp, Chime, or Venmo only.

Current Offers:

Natal Chart Reading with current transit lessons: $111

Natal Chart Reading with current transit lessons and Solar Return: $150

Relationship synastry: $222

Donation Based: If you cannot afford my prices, and are going through something difficult please still reach out. We can discuss a donation.

Readings done over Zoom or the phone. I am not currently open for written interpretations. Thank you for your understanding.

Listen to me, make someone show you because they will tell you anything. If words of affirmation is your love language reconsider. It doesn’t matter what they say if what they do is not aligned. Stop staying for potential that will never develop simply because you’re afraid of your own.

With Dan he lacked the words and actions. With John he often said all the right things, but his actions spoke differently. When someone loves and respects you they will not delegate everything to you, especially things that they have more time, space, and energy to do.

To this date John is still the healthiest relationship I’ve had. I was so responsible for my own triggers. I grew and blossomed so much in that initial safety that the Universe provided through John. I was not ready for a real, divine relationship. I had to let go of a two decade illusion first.

When I left Dan I left with nothing, except my self-respect. And as long as I had that I was good. I’m leaving John with a good ass job, the ability to care for myself and my son without a man, the choice to leave everything behind because it was mine. Growth is growth, baby.

The South Node in Libra teaches us that if we want peace we have to move what is in the way of it, and that takes rocking the boat. See, Libra isn’t all about peace, love, and light. It’s balancing the duality.

On one side of the scales is shadow, and on the other is light. We can’t handle all light any more than we can shadow. We are terrified of the light, of believing ourselves worthy of love, and of joy itself. It’s the hardest emotion to let ourselves feel, and that’s why things take time.

When John wound up back in my life after having him a pedestal for twenty years it felt so amazing. To be with a man I once thought myself unworthy of. Only to leave the partnership disillusioned. He was nothing like I thought he was by the end. And I moved way too fast.

Suddenly I saw myself in all the blogs, transits, and advice I’d been writing and putting out there. I was in a relationship reckoning. I had to leave a very ill man, who is admired by many, because of what was going on behind closed doors that they would never believe.

And now I have the peace. The peace wasn’t coming without the conflict. And when I say conflict I mean he came after me, my son, and even got tough with four cops I had to call. My blood pressure went through the roof the day I got the call that I could move into my apartment.

I knew that facing him, telling him, wasn’t going to be pretty, and that it would put my safety at risk. So I didn’t do it alone, and the way he acted even with people there showed me why I needed to listen to my spleen. It just confirmed that I am meant to make my own decisions.

I told him last Thursday and left that night. The next morning I signed and paid for my apartment. I have nothing but air beds. And I am so grateful for those air beds because people love me and I am not sleeping on the floor. I am so full of love and peace again.

Peace was never an option if the relationships in your life require you to please everyone else at your own expense. You’re afraid to disappoint mediocre people, so you fail to set and enforce boundaries. You care so much about being accepted and liked that you compromise your own values over and over again and for what?

I had a plan to leave in November. I was doing my best to trust the Universe would find a way for me to earn what I needed to go with the extra check coming in that month. But my children’s father was still in Michigan when the incident took place that meant I had to leave sooner than planned.

So he gave me the money do so. And he and I are building a genuine friendship, where we help each other out with the same goal in mind of helping our children. He co-parents so well even from states away, and I am grateful for him, for my friends, and for my family who helped me through this crazy time.

I know not everyone has that much love and support and I know how lucky I am to have it. And once again I was trying too hard to control the manifestation and the Universe said see, I can work shit out. So I am right back in trust and surrender as my car gives me shit, and as I don’t know for sure if I’ll have enough money next month to survive. We have little food.

I know if I hadn’t forced myself to be uncomfortable for a night I would still be miserable right now, craving the peace that fills my body as I type this. So here is your fucking sign. Leave. They were never yours. No one belongs to you. Find someone who doesn’t need the promise of forever.

Let the present moment and the pleasure in it be what naturally creates the beautiful future. Flow. Allow. Enjoy. That’s the secret. They make us think hard work and hustle is where it’s at because it keeps us enslaved to them. Let go and watch the Universe craft a masterpiece of your life.

I am currently working on holding space for sacred joy. Increasing my tolerance to what feels fucking fantastic. Having a blast in what feels like a huge trust fall into the unknown. ❤

I love you all.