Real Life Example: Edited with an Update

I’m so fucking frustrated right now. Everything in me is angry with the Universe. My day started out horribly. Let’s talk about it, and how I manage to flow through these kind of days with a higher understanding.

My alarm was set for 630 am because I had to head in for my shift. I woke up at 757 am to a missed alarm. Instantly I started freaking out, and just as instantly I stopped. I reminded myself that in all things we do not do desperation. And I spent the entire time getting ready not rushing myself.

I knew I would regret the decision to stop at the store for food and drinks. I’ve been packing my food and taking my water bottle for a couple weeks to try and heal my gut. But there wasn’t time for that, and I left my water bottle at the clinic I was in yesterday afternoon.

So I got these granola bars and a mini pack of donuts. I grabbed a sandwich and some chips for lunch. And I grabbed two zero sugar sodas, knowing that the carbonation was going to make me regret it. I punched in an hour and two minutes late.

I have PTO to cover it, but I don’t want that negative mark on my pretty good record so far. Especially before my sixth month review. But I get there and everyone is great. They just welcome me and are glad I was able to make it in. I have so much appreciation at this job.

At one point I asked John to get my package from the porch because we are trying to get ready for my grandson’s party this weekend. He said he did and I thought nothing more of it. In the afternoon I was in a different clinic. One that starting next week I’ll be in through September 13th.

I float to wherever I’m needed and enjoy the variety, but sometimes a longer assignment is nice, too. And with these girls I feel lucky. Everyday they are grateful I’m there. They said they were bummed that I had tomorrow off, and they had to have a different float.

One of them taught me how to get the scanner to work when it stops, and I can’t tell you how much time and energy that is going to save me. So it hasn’t all been bad. This new job is so drama free. It’s full of people who just respect each other, and if anyone falls into a complaining mode the rest of us get them back on track. And that’s true in every clinic.

I decided that when I left work I wasn’t going to brave the store. It takes me an hour to make a fifteen minute drive home. I am picking my daughter up this evening, and we’ll go to the store then. But I stopped at McDonald’s for John and my oldest son. I didn’t want to cook.

The whole drive home I was irritated because no one was moving. They weren’t doing the speed limit. They weren’t sure which lane they wanted to be in. It took everything in me not to express the rage I felt on the road. I make it home and give everyone their food.

Then I ask about the package that was delivered. John tells me that he sat it on my daughter’s steps with her package, thinking they were both hers. He didn’t think to go get it even after I messaged him at work saying I had something delivered, and he said he got it. He never brought it in.

So I get a hold of my daughter, and she says she took both packages when she left the house thinking they were hers. And that my items are in her mother in law’s car. I came into the office and I started going through the cards I had pulled this morning.

Even though I was late I pulled cards. I just didn’t read them like I normally do. I did spend five minutes in quiet gratitude and get them ready. I realized I was too irritated to be reading those cards, and that I wanted to write instead. So here I am.

As I was reading those cards an old coworker of mine I haven’t spoken to in forever reached out. She said she’s been frequenting the clinics I work in, but obviously we haven’t been in the same one at the same time. It was so good to hear from her. I’m currently awaiting her reply to my invitation.

Then I get this message from my son, who knows I had a difficult day. And he wants to take me on a mother son date. He is willing to cancel his time with his friend at the gym, and take me to dinner, or do whatever together. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.

I declined because my stomach isn’t feeling well. It’s not the worst it’s ever been, but it’s bad. And I know that Pluto is going to enter my sixth house of health again. I know that Mars is going to Rx over my ascendant, which can lead to inflammation in my body. I know this and I have to make a plan.

On days like today I need to value myself to understand that if I’m late already, what is another ten minutes? Because that’s probably all it would have taken me to fix a decent breakfast and lunch to take with me. As for drinks I could have run up to the clinic I left the bottle at and filled it.

So here I am, taking my own advice. I’ve said so many times when you know you can’t be kind go be alone. Sit in the discomfort of the anger, frustration, whatever it is, until it’s manageable. Process that shit. When you project it and lose control it’s a weakness.

I had another angry, white man today. Like I stated in a recent blog, that is no surprise. I am unclear what they think their childlike tantrums are going to do. I understand that the clinic makes you fill out a ton of shit on your phone, but I have to verify it’s you when you arrive.

Do you know how many patients fill that out and still tell us we have the wrong phone or address when we verify? Not only that, but you walked in here and gave me a name. Anyone could claim to be you. This is why we save the photos of your license for your account. It protects you.

A local hospital just had a hack and had to do things by paper from August 5th through the 25th. Patient information was stolen. It was held for a millions in ransom. But I never bother explaining facts to someone so hellbent on expressing angry feelings.

He isn’t angry at me. He doesn’t even know me. He is angry because his life is hard right now, like most of us, and he has no one to really blame. That’s a huge key to all of this. As I sit here right now my frustration is leaving, but it’s hanging by a thread. And there is a huge part of me that wants to blame.

I don’t want to be responsible for how I feel. It’s the fact that I woke up late. It’s the fact that traffic is so terrible. It’s John’s fault for not going to get the package once he knew it was mine. It’s everyone’s fault by my own, right?

No, because I don’t sleep well enough. And the fact that I completely missed my alarm this morning is testament to that. So, if I don’t want to have days where I wake up late I need to make sure I’m on a good schedule. That is a habit I have to adopt.

Traffic is terrible for everyone right now. There is so much construction. All those other people on the road are experiencing the same thing as me, and I am not somehow special, nor are other drivers picking on me. It’s my mindset that needs to shift. Reality is what it is.

And when I said something to John I could have requested he put it in the office, on the bed, or somewhere specific, and I know he would have done it. It’s this entitled feeling of why should I have to ask? If he knew it was mine at that point he understood it wasn’t hers. He should have known.

How does that help our relationship? It isn’t like he doesn’t have a million things trying to bring him down, too. And it’s not like he left it on the steps with the intention to frustrate me and upset me. And I am not exactly where I need to be yet, but I will get there.

I was sitting here reading those cards and my arm kept sticking to the desk. There was nothing on my arm or desk that I could feel that was sticky. I started to cry. I told the Universe I had enough and to stop fucking with me. In desperation I covered my entire arm in sanitizer to make it all stop.

I was on sensory overload.

But you know who saw that and heard that? Only me. Because it’s not anyone else’s job to regulate my nervous system and soothe my emotions.

I paused writing because I received a TikTok notification. When I pulled up the app the Reiki Fairy was doing her thing. I always cry and release. Then I scrolled up a couple and there was a big message I needed to hear. Then I cried again and thanked the Universe for its patience with me, as I am still learning to develop it with myself.

There is something that has been very important to me, someone who has been very important, that I can feel leaving my life. And yet, it’s as if we both want to deny the odds and keep something going that isn’t working.

I’m investing so much energy into something, and am willing to invest more, but there is a new phrase I’m living by. If they have control issues they will refuse to delegate to you. This means they do not trust you. If they add everything to your plate and delegate it all, it means they do not respect you. And I don’t want to be in either of those lanes.

So here I am, finally frustration free. It took me about an hour. But in that hour no one else was affected by my feelings. My soul feels settled again. I’m back in the flow. It’s 719 pm and I have a little over an hour before I leave the house. So I’m going to eat and make my list.

I’m very excited to celebrate my amazing grandson this weekend. I’ve never overslept before, and doubt this will trump all the things I am recognized for that are good. I can release that. It’s normal that I would have been triggered because there was a time I didn’t think I deserved a career like this. A time I didn’t feel that I could provide even basic stability for myself.

But I am aware now of my worth. And no trigger is going to keep me from climbing to the next level. I’m not perfect. Just willing to learn and hold myself accountable. I am choosing instead to be grateful that I have such amazing coworkers. Even from my old job. That I am finally getting the recognition I deserve and it’s not going away.

I am going to choose to love and respect John for being human. I know he cares deeply about me, and would never do anything to intentionally cause me any sort of upset. It’s such a minor thing honestly. I’ll get the package tonight when her mother in law brings her son home.

One of the reasons I was so angry is because in the blog last Sunday I wrote that this is the best day of the week, and it didn’t feel like that at all for me. Now that I’ve restored my nervous system I see it so differently. And everything really is in the perception you choose.

The Moon is in Cancer, I wrote. Well, that’s my 12th house. Surprise and hidden emotions. It was trine Saturn in my Pisces 8th house. The house of the deep psyche and power dynamics. And here I am handling surprise and hidden emotions well.

Venus entered my Libra 3rd house in a trine to Pluto in my Aquarius 7th. I wrote that we are committing to a plan that nurtures us and feels aligned with our soul. Well, I am, but it’s easy to forget that the new level will cost you the old one, and you have to show up before it arrives.

Direct quote from the blog:

“This feels like the best day of the week. If you’ve been taking my advice and developing the stoicism needed to integrate and plan, today is going to be a good day. You’re feeling safe and protected emotionally because you’ve understood that is your responsibility.”

I have reached this space in life where there is a deep emotional acceptance of where I am in contrast to where I want to be. I do have empathy for myself in this moment. It’s okay that I was human. That’s all any of us can ever be.

Just as I wrote in the blog I am desiring changes. I even cautioned not to get caught up in the good vibes only aesthetic. The waiting is the hardest part. But I waited an hour and it was worth it. What is an hour of regulating my nervous system compared to an evening of arguing and bitterness?

The astrology didn’t lie to me. The truth is none of these good things come without a cost. And the cost is giving up the old mindset. I wrote about the Human Design shift. We are no longer needing others to validate things for us. We are going from love your neighbor as yourself to loving ourselves.

And that shift is in process. It has not fully processed. In fact, most of the world seems to have a ways to go. But I am not responsible for the world, and what a relief it’s been to really understand that on a deeper level.

I hold my heart in my own hands. If someone else hurts me or upsets me it’s not on them to fix that. If a boundary needs to be placed that is my responsibility. If an old one is not being respected it’s my responsibility to enforce it. It’s hard shit, I know. But the truth is not always easy.

The reason it’s hard to enforce our boundaries is because we don’t want to sit in the discomfort of disappointing others. We don’t want to face potential abandonment. That uncomfortable feeling is under the surface big time for me right now.

My plans are going to disappoint some people.

❤

Edit: 10:27 pm Real life examples take two

Earlier when I started this blog I was not feeling very grateful. But instead of taking my bitterness and resentment out on my family I spent a good chunk of time alone processing it. I knew if I started writing the blog it would put my focus on stoicism and emotional control. It did that.

My daughter messaged me wanting to be picked up early, but told me not to rush. When I left the house there was the slightest bit of bitterness still about the day. But I picked up my daughter, we talked, we went to the store to get stuff for the party. I picked up personals for the house.

After we got home the package was here and I have everything I need. So I went up to get my grandbaby and he’s just now calling me. He has been going back and forth between me and Bumpa. He saw his dinosaur outfit hanging in the office window and wanted it on, so he got a gift early.

We sent a picture of him to mommy and Uncle Zak. He is currently with Bumpa in the living room. Bumpa just gave me the deepest kiss. And when I went back out there he said we should kiss like that more often, so I told him I keep waiting for him to kiss me like that. He promised he would do it more often. So we will see.

But I did love how in that moment, when the grandson was running around so excited about his clothes, that man looked at me the most genuine expression, and told me he fucking loves me. He loves this family. It’s what has kept both of us fighting to trust the Universe and not give up for a long time now. And sometimes I feel like the weight is so heavy.

We started talking about celebrating the love of my life this weekend. I’m so excited for him to see the spiderman bounce house his daddy and other Mimi went in on for the big day. My mood is completely different than it’s been all day, and that’s the reward of doing the work.

Even if my life does look incredibly different in six months there is no reason I can’t soak in all today has to offer. And this is how I changed my life. I have boundaries. I enforce those boundaries to the point of making six month plans to prove to myself I can mean what I say and not settle.

But in this moment I am grateful for the last three years of my life, as difficult and shocking as they have been. Without John I would not be where I am. But I’ve brought a lot to the table, too. He said he would clean the house up for me tomorrow before he leaves around three.

There is a lot of the time that a majority of things outside of my fifty hours a week with commute still land on my plate alone. And I am talked out and tired. Make a list they say. Why do I have to make a list? Why do decisions and analyzing and running the ship all land in my lap?

There is something I’ve learned from it all. The resentment I feel is a choice I make to let people treat me as if my needs and desires are not important. If they let everything land on my lap they have no respect for me. Especially when so much of it would be more reasonable and possible for them to do. I don’t want to live that kind of life.

I watch elderly couples come to the clinics all the time. If the husband is the patient and we thank him for doing his online registration they always say “she did that” and point to their wives. And nothing turns me off more than repeating a life I’ve already lived.

This is far too often for many women. We do have a choice. We can speak our needs and demand people step up, and leave if they don’t. I can’t speak for everyone else, but I know that I have validated how I feel. I stopped seeking outside validation for it a while ago.

Recently I had some epiphanies about moving in silence. And for the most part that will be the plan. That’s Mars about to move into my 12th house. I am so aligned with the energy I can feel it before it’s here. I’ve invested in that sort of relationship with myself, astrology, and the Universe.

I’m honest about my journey because I refuse to let shame have me hanging my head and giving up. I refuse to let you think that you’re alone in not being able to vibe high all the time. I don’t either and I still manifested so much greatness into my life. And I know more is on the way.

We kept the grandbaby a while, but I just took him upstairs. Soon enough he will be down here with us all the time. Then my other daughter messaged me about what a beautiful day she had, and I was in a good space, where I could receive that even if we differ in our ideas of a higher power, I have learned to be genuinely grateful she has faith in something.

While the Universe is over here meeting me where I am at, it’s also meeting her where she is at. The signs comes in every belief system because the Universe doesn’t care what you call it. It aligns with energy. It’s better than any high to be tapped into that source.

The best thing ever was when I was sitting here with the office door open and the baby was out with Bumpa. I asked if he wanted some coffee. He replied, “No, Mimi, I got a popsicle.” So I said, “Okay, I love you.” He said, “I love you, too!” To which I replied, “You’re the best baby ever”, and he said, “You’re the best Mimi ever!” And moments like that make my whole day.

But I think overall what I’ve learned is that my love language was never words of affirmation. That was my anxious attachment wanting to be placated and immediately soothed. My real love language is acts of service. Take something off my plate, especially that is easier for you to do.

Respect me. If you can’t do that I can’t promise to stay around. Because I don’t want to hustle and go hard anymore. I just refuse. And there is no way I’m going to stay in an environment where people do not meet me half-way or care about my needs. I prefer to meet my own in that case.

But here I am. This is how I work through the duality of life. I understand when I’m about to blow, and I don’t want to spew all over people I claim to love. Even if how I feel is valid how I react might not be. So I take time alone. I sit in the discomfort of the emotions. I process them.

How that looks differs for me from day-to-day. There is no right or wrong way to process. I am sitting here understanding that in six months I may have to enforce boundaries and life could be very different. But for now, tonight, I am incredibly pleased with what I have going on over here.

That wouldn’t be the case if I hadn’t used emotional intelligence and self-regulation to prevent what this night could have been.

My daughter won a contest full of local artists. She was one of seven out of fifty entries who won. They are putting original art on huge letters that will spell out our city along the local Rivertrail. Like our very own Hollyood sign. It’s freaking incredible.

I’m teaching her how to drive when I didn’t know how myself until just over a year ago. My son has grown by leaps and bounds. He is working and his mindset is better. He moved in with his partner. It’s so easy to not feel what we are doing is enough, but it usually is.

There is so much beauty and growth among the sorrow and grief. ❤