There are days I’d give anything to have a huge soul tribe to connect with. To own a vast space of land, where we can all bring our own home, and create our own community. To have a huge redone silo in the middle, where we all gather for soul family Sunday dinners and laughs. We’d have our own garden to share and care for. Water nearby to swim under the stars.

We could sit out by a fire in the morning sipping our coffee and at night telling stories. A life of leisure that is structured around healing and helping others heal. That is my mission in life. I want to teach people how to have a healthy relationship with themselves and each other.

Right now I’m struggling with routine. I’m hoping with Saturn going direct and Pluto soon to follow that will change. The past couple years have been something else with my routine. Just an all out battle to be honest. I get things right for a couple weeks and then fall back into old patterns. Staying up too late is the main thing. I love the night time when most the world is asleep.

I’d give almost anything to have a man in my life who resonates with my vibration. One who can carry a deep conversation, and enjoys making sense of life together. One who makes me feel I’m flying through galaxies simply laying in his presence. Whose heart beats out of his chest every time he’s near me.

A man who wants to create this community with me. Who wants to bury intention boxes under the New Moon, and lead walking meditations together. Who wants to help me host healing retreats. A spiritual man who knows his worth and never ever makes me question mine.

One who is inspired to build a legacy of love and a dynasty of wealth, both material and spiritual to leave our children. My children are all four pretty much grown now, and I’m determined to leave them a legacy with or without the help. It would just be easier with an accountability partner I guess.

I’m blessed to have the placements I do because I can spend a lot of time alone and love it, but there are nights it’s quite lonely, and I have to work through that in healthy ways. Tonight I’m in my feelings and I know it’s probably the Pisces Moon. Most days I’m fine with just me and my coffee. Sometimes I am too fine without other people in my life. It’s been a problem.

I used to tell my ex-husband that I could live by myself in the middle of nowhere and be fine for the rest of my life, as long as I have the Internet. I love to learn and you can learn anything online. He would reply, “I know you could.” Truth is I’m a projector and people simply drain me. I only recently learned about human design, but it’s nice to know why now at least.

Some of you know that a man has come into my life already and left. If you don’t I’ll link the story if you’re interested in what I believe to be my twin flame journey. In any case, the connection is authentic, real, and rare. He told me that he knows I’m a catalyst to change his entire life. That it excites him and terrifies him at the same time.

Link to the journey so far:

I’m only sharing so you know that I have truly experienced this journey, and am not just talking about something I have no personal knowledge and experience with.

Some people are terrified of intensity. I am, too. I guess the only difference is I understood well before we recognized this connection that my triggers are a message of what I still have to heal, and that no one else can heal them for me. He triggered me all the time with his conversations and the way he made me feel. It’s crazy that such goodness can inspire a trigger, isn’t it?

When you’ve lived a life of trauma and your only experience with men has been abusive you can self-sabotage when one treats you right. I had studied enough psychology and done enough healing not to do that. He had not. His life was also traumatic and he has Chiron in the 7th house. He admitted to me in July it was self-sabotage. That when he’s honest it’s me all day, every day.

It hasn’t been a bad day today. It’s been rainy and that coupled with the Pisces Moon has definitely made me unproductive. So, I’m not sitting here writing this because I feel sorry for myself. Quite the contrary, actually. I’m feeling incredibly blessed that I’m slowly but surely working on myself, my foundation, and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

I think some of the sadness I’m feeling is because of so called gurus who post telling women it’s their fault these men aren’t coming back for union. Listen to me, before this man ever re-entered my life at the end of last year I had done a huge amount of intentional healing. I mean huge.

When I left my ex-husband I worked hard, I paid off all my debt, and I got my student loans in good standing. I worked hard to understand myself for years through psychology, and after I left him I discovered astrology. This aided my healing and grew me into a more spiritual being. In fact, I predicted this man and his 8 Virgo placements four months before he arrived into my life.

Is there more I could do? Yes. Healing is never done and that’s my problem with it. What is the goal of these people telling women they have to be high vibrational consistently before union can happen? You’re not building these women up. You’re misleading them with lies.

You do not have to be fully healed to be loved. To enjoy a good relationship. Two people who are self-aware can not only heal together, but can help each other through it. The key is both have to be aware of their triggers and willing to work on themselves. It can be done.

If the person you love isn’t in a space where they are ready to heal there isn’t anything you can do to change that. You can’t heal and fix other people. I gave that man many tools, and he even told me how he used them when dealing with the toxic relationship he went back to after he left the first time.

He told me that nothing I’ve ever said to him has left his mind. Maybe that’s because Pluto mirrors in our 3rd and 12th houses. Our conversations are imbedded into his subconscious and quite transforming. His Moon in my 12th has been a wild ride. He can tell me what I think, I tell him how he feels.

It’s not my job to force him to use the tools in healthy ways or on healthier relationships. If he doesn’t feel worthy it’s an inside job that only he can do. Understand, I spent fifteen years in a marriage with an emotionally unavailable man. He was physically present, emotionally absent. That was a difficult space of time for me. I tried everything to make that marriage work.

What do we look like out here telling women to love men who are not only emotionally unavailable, but not physically present? And yes, some of them do dress it up and say that gender isn’t a thing. That the man can be the divine feminine. Do you think this is any healthier for men? Because I don’t honestly.

If you really do believe you’ve found a twin flame and are not in union you’re not automatically at fault. Every time this man is near me, doesn’t even have to be touching me, his heart goes wild. It’s intense for him in a way he couldn’t hide if he wanted to. Plus I can feel what he feels, so there is that. He doesn’t feel worthy of me or the life I tell him we’re meant to build together.

It’s simply not possible for me to make him feel worthy. You can do everything right, speak all the right words, but the person you’re speaking to has to receive what you’re saying. You can’t be held accountable when they refuse. No, you’re probably not perfect, but you don’t have to be.

Truth is, I could go up to this man 55 minutes of every hour and tell him how much I love him, how worthy he is, but he’s going to be left with whatever he told himself the other 5 minutes of those hours at the end of the day. That isn’t my fault. It’s not my job to change his internal dialogue. That’s his job.

Sometimes this twin flame title upsets me. It’s reinforcing harmful mindsets. You’re worthy of love RIGHT NOW. You’ve been worthy of love your entire life. You just didn’t always believe it is all. So, to be told that you’re not worthy yet, you have more work to do, that once you get it right your twin will automatically fall in line is harmful to your personal growth and evolution.

There are weeks I allow his energy in and I work with him. Other weeks I shut him out completely and focus on me. I do not owe this man anything. He doesn’t owe me anything. My worth isn’t tied up in whether or not he chooses to come back again. In fact, I told him not to if he wasn’t completely divorced and stable because I’m not wasting my energy and time anymore.

What is meant for me isn’t missing me and what is meant for you isn’t missing you. Really work on believing that because it’s true. If I found a connection like this once it’s possible I can find it again. So, right now I’m just doing what I’m led to do from the heart each day, trusting my guides, and laying a foundation. Whatever the universe has in store for me is what is best.

I can’t imagine if I hadn’t done all of this healing work prior to this connection. If I was over here stressing about how I’m not sleeping normal, still have a few pounds to lose, or whatever else because I thought it all had to be done so he could come back. Absolutely ridiculous.

Thinking that until I do this list of things I’m not allowed to be loved would be a dangerous and terrible mindset. I know because as a Virgo Moon it used to be my mindset. I’m thankful I studied psychology before I ever found tarot and astrology. The universe knew I needed that background.

In any case, these are just my ramblings. I see posts on social media or video titles on YouTube and it upsets me quite frankly. Even the ones where they put down the karmic partners upset me. If you are truly healing and truly trying to raise your vibration why are you watching videos like that? It’s only stroking your ego and highlighting jealousy.

Well, it’s 12:34 a.m. The angel number 1234. Take the steps you’re guided to take within. Stop listening to all these gurus who act like they went to a prestigious university and earned a doctorate in twin flames. All the wisdom they claim is available to YOU. You are Source. Tap into yourself.

Namaste

Good karma and donation tip jars:

You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors. ― Andrew Boyd