I’m about to head to bed, but I have so much on my mind. Figured I’d write and share it because maybe someone else could benefit from it. Mostly I’m thinking about healing and how even when you think you are done with it you’re not. I didn’t have any triggers until January of this year, and now they are all rising up again tonight.

I knew it wasn’t linear, but I’ve already gone back to this so many times. So much is stirred up in me right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it who understands, except one person, and they aren’t available to me right now. I’m sure this person is going through the exact same thing I am, as we are now mirroring one another more than we ever have.

Not to mention the goal is to be able to validate myself. To not need the external confirmation, though it would be nice. I have to learn to trust the universe and my inner guidance without letting fear, anxiety, and codependency become a concern. I do so good with that most days. This is the hardest day I’ve had in a while.

Today is the first day I really wanted to run from my manifestations. Don’t get me wrong. During some of the intensity of the last 11 months I’ve told the universe, “I cannot do this” and it replied, “You can and you will”. So, I would take a break, figure out why I felt that way, and then get back on track. It’s been constant healing, reopening wounds, and healing again.

It’s hard today, man. Today I just want to run from it. I want to let myself stay small and not ever be seen. I keep hearing that little voice asking me, “Who do you think you are?” And, well, I thought I knew that. It’s just right now it’s as if everything I thought I knew is shifting, changing, falling. I don’t know if it’s falling apart or falling into place.

Don’t let me lie. My higher self does know. It’s falling into place. I just have to let it look how it’s supposed to look and show up for it, right? It’s so hard to do because my mission in life is to live in the spotlight with an open heart, and show the whole world how unconditional love is done. Why did I choose this path? Yes, it can be rewarding, but my God it is hard.

Tonight, I do not want to open my heart. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. It doesn’t matter that I’m sitting here telling myself none of it is as personal as it feels. So what if it isn’t? It still hurts. It’s like I’m going back and forth in my mind. My energy, their energy, all a mingled mix of mess within me.

The only thing I can tell you is that I know where I end and they begin, which is new for me. In the past I never felt an outside energy. It was all the same and I just assumed it was all mine. This is bigger than anything I ever dealt with in the past, and likely why all of this is coming up.

The reason I’m sharing this is because there is a huge part of the spiritual community that preaches you must vibrate high at all times to manifest. I’m here to tell you that you can’t ignore nights like tonight. If I had done that my manifestation would not have come as far as it has.

So what will I do? I’ll be honest. I’m terrified to stand out. I’m terrified to be loved the way I’ve always wanted to be loved. I’m terrified to have it taken away once I fully open myself to it. I’m terrified of standing in my full power and being who I came here to be. As much as I’ve given to this manifestation there is definitely a lot I’ve held back.

But, I do understand I am not any of the emotions I’m feeling tonight. I am the awareness above them. So I will feel my way through them, notice how they affect my body, validate they exist, and then tell them to go away. The longer I do it the less they come back.

The truth is, when I get out of my ego and listen to my soul I’m more terrified of not fulfilling my purpose, of not being loved the way I love, of not standing in my full power and being who I came here to be. I have all the tools I need and I will use them, while remaining patient with myself through the process.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and think of myself as a coward who wasted my potential. I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have never been loved the way that I love. I don’t want those regrets.

Everything in me wants to run and hide from it all right now, but the truth is there is nowhere to hide. Where do we go to hide from ourselves? How do we truly avoid our feelings and emotions without masking them with escapism of some sort, which only brings us a much more painful life in the end?

If you’re struggling tonight or any night that’s okay. It doesn’t mean what is meant for you is going to miss you. It means we are navigating our soul with an emotional human body. We have to blend the energies. We have to integrate the duality. To avoid either one is to be a fool.

I’m a lot of things, but I am not a fool.

Goodnight

You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors. ― Andrew Boyd