Cancer Season has me a bit emotional. I dealt with my emotions the way I always do. When I felt them getting out of control I sat with them. I even sobbed at one point. I understood they were being triggered by a current situation I’m in. It’s a test. Will I feel them or detach and run from them?
I am going to pass. No question. I also deal by writing, so here we are. Maybe someone will take something from it, or maybe it ends up just being therapeutic for me. Either way I have to get it out.
The one thing you can be sure about with me is that I will forever know my worth and value. I will forever stand on my evolution and growth as evidence of who I am. You will never be able to use my past against me because I have owned every bit of it already. I no longer live there.
Whatever you tell other people about me that isn’t true will eat you inside before it does me. I’m such an honest, genuine woman, and if you call me anything else you’re lying. This tells me you’re trying to live a lie, build on a lie, and that lie will forever keep being exposed. You will never find peace.
My North Node is Virgo in the second house. I will never be in a codependent situation again. I will never beg anyone to stay by my side, to love me, to appreciate and respect what I bring to the table enough to be honest with me. You either will or you won’t. I am self-reliant, self-aware, and emotionally controlled. This is what I’m being tested on. So far, so good.
Your explanation of your lies isn’t going to lead to me enabling them. I get the first couple times, but at some point you’re not growing out of the conditioning if you keep lying. If you don’t want to grow that is fine, but I have a lush inner garden, and it has healthy gates as boundaries.
Don’t be surprised when the locks change and you no longer have access. I hate cutting people off. Cancer is in my 12th house. You can mark my words that anyone I ever released I did so with claw marks. I fought until there was fight left in me for every one of them. I don’t do that anymore.
The last time someone wanted to leave I let him leave. I knew he didn’t leave questioning my worth, but his own. I picked myself up, I felt my way through the hurt and pain. I reminded myself it wasn’t personal. The love I have is unconditional for him, and I lit candles for him to walk his highest purpose.
Not for him to come back to me. First of all, I don’t want anyone at my side who isn’t sure they want to be here. Second of all, I really do just want him happy whatever that means. Even if it means he isn’t with me. I just know what the universe has been telling me since four months before he even arrived into my life last time. I have all the evidence written in notebooks.
I cannot save you. I cannot believe in you enough for you to step into your power. It will never matter what I say or do to you. It will only ever matter what you say and do to yourself. If I came up to you every hour and spent 55 minutes of each hour telling you all the good things about you it would be a waste of my time.
What will matter at the end of the day is what you told yourself the other 5 minutes of those hours. This is what people fail to understand. You spend your life seeking love and validation externally and it isn’t found there. I could spend most of an entire day with you and it wouldn’t be found in me. It’s found in YOU and what you choose to tell yourself.
The problem is we are not all the same. Yes, we are all a big circle of oneness, but that big circle is made up of individual circles. We each have different blueprints our soul came here to follow, and as such different lessons. This is how I am making it make sense for me right now.
As a Leo Rising I am meant to rip my heart open and love unconditionally. For years the only unconditional love I had was for my children, period. Slowly I started recognizing that things aren’t as personal as they feel, so I understood I could still love people and set healthy boundaries. But this current situation I’m in is something out of this world different.
It’s triggering so much in me. I don’t avoid anything, no matter how hard it is anymore. This is because for me living a lie or escaping reality is harder than facing any truth. I don’t understand why people lie. At night I have to lie down with my own conscious, and you can’t absolve that for me. It’s an inside job. I would rather lose you than have you lying to me.
I will do anything for the people I love. There is so much I bring to the table that I doubt you will ever find the same in another soul before you pass on and create the blueprint for your next life. The evidence of what a good and amazing person I am is everywhere. Ask anyone who knows me.
My entire mission on earth this time is to stand out and teach people how to love unconditionally. To own my shame, my trauma, my past, and inspire others to own theirs. You will learn from me or you won’t.
I have invested enough of myself into this situation for right now. Some that hasn’t even been appreciated. It’s time for me to step back until it is. To remember my lesson of healthy boundaries and not losing myself in love.
I’m not angry or upset with the other person, but neither am I going to waste hours of my time doing things they don’t seem to appreciate. Right now this person is caught up in his shadow and wounds. It has nothing to do with me, but save an honest conversation and changed behavior it’s out of my hands. The ball isn’t in my court anymore. It never really was.
This is why feeling is so hard for me. I don’t like Cancer season at all. But feelings are what is being triggered because the universe wants me to feel. Not to detach, not to avoid, not to escape. I have to feel my way through this. The only way out is through. It’s like being cracked open for rebirth, and it’s so utterly terrifying that all I want to do is run, but I won’t.
Even if the other person runs I will continue growing, keep evolving, and learn to be fine on my own. It’s what I do. It’s such a shame though. All this love, warmth, and empathy with no one to share it with feels like such a waste. Sometimes I get mad at the universe, if I’m honest.
My Sun is in the 7th house. I shine so bright in relationships. I will never again allow myself to be in one that tries to dull my shine. My light will expose your darkness and ready or not it will trigger you. You will love me and fear me all at the same time. I can’t help who I am.
I have been through so much learning how to love people correctly. I have tried harder than anyone I’ve ever met to balance myself and become the person I was destined to be. I have faced some of the hardest shit you will ever face and clawed my way through it. I don’t want to be alone anymore, but I don’t want excuses even more.
The universe has given me so many signs that I’m not alone, and I appreciate that when I meditate or seek it the answers are within. It’s just not the same as having a man beside me who can keep me intellectually stimulated and inspired to reach my goals.
A man who makes me laugh. Teaches me to relax and dream and enjoy life. A best friend who I can share everything with. Someone who wants to grow and evolve and become better versions of ourselves for the rest of our lives, and have a great time doing it. A man who wants to create a legacy of love and abundance to leave our children.
Do you know what it took grow in the dark space we were in for fifteen years? My roots were planted in the darkest, dirtiest water, and I grew into a beautiful lotus flower. I’m ever unfolding and I’m never done blooming and growing, but man I’ve come so, so far. I think I deserve to be loved as hard as I love for once in my life.
But I will keep learning about love and how to navigate it unconditionally. I will keep slowing down when I need to in order to rest and heal. I will study my soul’s purpose and wait for the one meant to be to have his epiphany, to be ready to feel and expose himself to his emotions and stop avoiding them. The one ready to reciprocate the love, light, and peace I offer.
This is why casual relationships won’t ever work for me. I have no issue for those who enjoy them. My Capricorn Venus and all the Leo in my first house just wants the real deal or no deal at all. I want to be loyal, work hard, play and creatively express myself with someone who is just as passionate as I am.
Until then I will keep loving and celebrating myself. I will keep doing my best to put myself out there and build my foundation. No one else is ever going to prevent me from co-creating with the divine. I have the tools I need within. Always so happy to share them, but that requires you to reach for them.
If stability is what you’re seeking you have to let go of people and places where the waters are never smooth. You have to sit with yourself in this realm and get real about how you feel. Mediate and have your epiphany. You are a divine being with a contract to create a legacy in this life. Stand in your power and sort out the inner conflict.
When we hold on to the past, after we’ve been shown again and again it’s not the right path, and we refuse to seek the correct path the universe will intervene. It will bring you someone so in tune with who they are that they are tune with who you are, too. A different kind of mirror than you’re used to.
Thought leaders who offer you wise council, but you have to seek that council. If you get too busy in other realms and in your head you’re missing teaching moments the universe is gifting you in this realm. Sometimes your ascension into new levels of consciousness comes through other human beings.
Ever laid next to someone completely sober and felt like you were tripping on acid? Like you were having the best high of your life? Flying through galaxies and space with a huge smile on your face? Maybe that’s your ticket to the ride and experience you’re looking for, and you’re refusing to see it.
The universe sends you these unexpected visitors because they know how to help you heal the wounds and pain that are rising up. They are soothing to your soul. You just don’t want to change your behaviors completely. One foot in the new world and one in the old. Claiming to embrace healing, but avoiding it through experiences that will never heal you.
These people are put in your path to help you step up and into your power and abundance. The old life isn’t going to do that or it would have done it already. You know you’re being asked to trust the unknown, but that’s scary. It makes your heart beat out of your chest and puts you in states of fear and excitement simultaneously. We all handle that differently, I suppose.
Spiritual awakening isn’t always about seeing the other realms. It’s not about transcending the human experience. It’s about integrating it. Love itself, the experience of real, unconditional love, is spiritual. It will make your heart want to beat out of your chest. It will have your soul dancing in electrifying succession up and down your body.
Make people match your level of respect or send them away in the softest, most beautiful way you can. Sometimes we get busy seeking stuff elsewhere when what we need is right here in front of us. You’re off chasing what isn’t even going to fulfill you, again. I guess that’s all I have to say about that.
Namaste and goodnight.