Years ago when I first started taking my healing into my own hands I tried everything. From every religion, to spirituality, to atheism, and a love of psychology. I remember when I found positive affirmations and toxic positivity. I had to go through these experiences to prove to myself they do not work. It’s been the longest, loneliest road.
What most people get wrong about “good vibes only” is they think you can’t ever sit with negative experiences. This simply isn’t the case. If you stop trauma bonding and instead develop relationships with people who are capable of deep, emotional bonding, you would understand this.
If I make a safe space for you to express how you’re feeling, actively listen, make you feel validated and heard, the result is good vibes. Especially if I can reciprocate an energy back to you in that moment that helps you elevate your mindset and view whatever it is you’re feeling from a more logical perspective. The end result is you feel better, we have connected deeply, and there are good vibes surrounding us.
When you don’t have someone offering you that space, and I simply didn’t, you must learn to offer it to yourself. Even now, if I’m feeling something negative I don’t avoid it. I no longer violate boundaries and emotionally dump my thoughts and feelings onto other people. Especially people who aren’t emotionally intelligent, and will only feed my negative mindset.
I turn on a peaceful frequency, sit on my bed, notice how my body is reacting to the way that I feel, and remind myself it’s okay. I am the awareness above the experiences I am having in that moment. I may even cry, but I don’t care. Crying it a release of those emotions, so they don’t remain stuck in my body.
The problem with pretending everything is fine without actually validating the negative emotions is the negative emotions don’t go anywhere. So, what happens is they get shoved under a pretty rug that you keep tripping over. Until you pull the emotions out and face them you can’t make them leave. Contrary to popular advice it doesn’t go away if we ignore it.
Your inner child is begging for someone to validate him. For someone to listen to his trauma and help him figure out what to do with it. The only person that can do that is you, but if unlike me you have someone in your life you feel safe with, please reach out to them. Vulnerability is strength and that’s why it takes so much courage to be vulnerable.
If everything isn’t okay don’t say it is. Write your thoughts down or talk to someone you know you can trust. Consider where the feelings are coming from and why you have that trigger. Recognize that whoever hurt you never meant to, even if they claim they’re not sorry. Nothing is as personal as it feels. Nothing. Don’t hesitate or doubt that.
We have all hurt other people. The pain you have caused others in your life wasn’t something you intentionally did because they deserved it. When all you have within is an excess of pain and trauma that’s all you have to offer. It’s time to cultivate self-love, self-worth, and self-compassion. Only then will you have real love, worth, and compassion to offer others.
Choose to forgive in those moments, and any moments that continue to come up. You have to forgive others and yourself over and over again, using self-awareness and intention. Over time the hurt eases, the forgiveness sticks. The process is so messy in healing that overly positive outlooks are damaging. They make you feel bad for feeling bad, and newsflash, you’re just going to feel bad sometimes, and that’s okay.
It’s not about never experiencing a negative emotion. It’s about learning to be self-aware, spotting it before you react to it, so you can choose a healthier response. Keep telling your shame that you appreciate it’s reminder that you have an internal value system. That you know you haven’t always lived up to it, but you’re working on that now. Validate it and send it away.
The more you do this, the more your thought processes changes over time. Suddenly you are an emotionally intelligent individual, who even if you are initially responsive internally to a trigger, you aren’t outwardly exploding or making choices of self-sabotage. Self-control is a superpower.
If you just wake up in the morning and recite a few phrases and then repeat them before bed nothing changes. You have to target those affirmations. When you’re in a state of self-pity, feeling unworthy, it is in those moments you have to sit with it and reprogram your mind. Re-parent your inner child.
Every feeling I have is valid. Every feeling you have is valid. Start there and then ask yourself what type of response is valid. It’s a constant journey of integration. We all consist of shadow and light, and viewing things as good and evil, bad and good is all toxic, honestly.
It’s all one. The shadow is just as important as the light. It’s not about control or power either. You don’t control your shadow. You validate it and expose its illusions with your inner light. You make it feel safe, so it doesn’t feel it has to jump out and protect you all the time. We all know that never works.
Don’t be in such a hurry to be loved that you remain in toxic situations waiting for the day to come where love finally shows up. If you are in a trauma bonding situation it never was love. Yes, you’re going to miss them if you leave, but if you stay nothing changes, and you cheat yourself and them.
Until you believe you’re worthy of love real love will elude you. Anyone with the capability to love you unconditionally has boundaries. They aren’t going to allow your unhealed trauma to permeate their life. If you want great you have to choose greatness. If you want love you have to become love.
Try a ten minute meditation and see what happens:
A short example: