Hustling for your Worthiness

I am feeling inspired to write this today because yesterday I was triggered into questioning my own worth. It does happen sometimes. No matter how long I journey this road to self-acceptance and self-worth there are triggers that inevitably pop up and must be dealt with. I like to share how I work through those moments in hopes it helps others.

I have a Leo Rising with Lilith in Leo and Jupiter in Leo in my first house. This means my shame (Lilith) is worn publicly (first house). It is something that forced me to self-actualize for my growth and expansion (Jupiter). This way I can very publicly learn to love myself unconditionally and show other people how that is done. This has become a soul mission for me.

This week I am signing up for a course to learn more about birth charts and astrology. It’s my goal to be able to offer other people an in-depth reading that clearly lights up their path and the mission of their soul. With all the Aquarius in my seventh house, Sun, Mercury, and Mars, this journey is about me recognizing my relationship to self, and how that plays out in my relationship to everyone else. It’s like a mirror. That isn’t just a “twin flame” thing.

Wherever your Sun is in particular can tell you a lot about your karmic calling and what you signed up for in this life. It generally matches the soul purpose of your Rising sign. For me it’s opposite my Rising in that 7th house. I agreed to come here and apply my hard-earned expertise to the mutual commitment of close, personal relationships.

It is only when I direct my efforts to social enrichment, contractual agreements, and public relations that the universe offers me less obstacles to overcome on my path. It illuminates the path for me. The downside is this makes me a magnet for instant entanglement and mismatched liaisons. Just look at my dating history and my failed, abusive marriage for a clue.

My social life has been a frustrating, unrewarding, inescapable fate. At least, it was until I chose to make the conscious effort to begin the hard work of building my partnerships on the only solid foundation there is. A solid relationship with myself, where I demand mutual respect and equality.

I promised to devote myself to the hard work of creating balanced partnerships between opposing forces, without manipulating them, which is why harmony and prosperity can only ever be obtained for me in a relationship when I don’t lose myself in it.

Hello, Neptune in Sagittarius in the fifth house, that made my happiness fly south every time I allowed a man to dominate or control me thinking that was the answer. Wherever Sagittarius is this is how we will learn our mission. For me that has been through my self-expression, my children, and my romances.

So, let’s talk about yesterday and the fact that right after I posted a blog about the Full Moon in Aquarius opposing the Sun in Leo being a battle between our head and our hearts that is exactly what I experienced. I am not immune simply because I’m aware of the energy. My Leo and Aquarius are all about my relationship to self and others.

I woke up yesterday morning from a dream where someone I recently walked away from told me another person was posting about me on their social media. I wrote it down at 7:17 a.m., but I did not unblock this person or go check their social media.

To be quite honest, that’s ego and I try my best not to live from that space, so I moved on with my day. The person posting has never met me. So in all honesty whatever they’re hearing is second-hand information at best.

Two days prior to that I dreamed that Saturn was somehow important to when this person re-entered my life July first. I wrote that down and a few hours later I was watching a podcast, where I learned on July first Saturn went Rx into Capricorn. It took me a minute to understand the relevance.

I will tell you that Saturn going Rx into Capricorn wants us to roll up our sleeves and get going on our foundation and career. I was already working toward this, but when this person came back into my life I was inspired and it brought confidence over my predictions and intuition that I need with the career I am headed toward.

Everything I had written down for six months prior to July first came true. This was the second time that happened. As in September of 2019 I began writing down things from meditation, telepathic experiences, and dreams that all started coming true as of December 28th. I have a log of all of my predictions, downloads, and dreams as evidence of all of this.

In fact, I have messages of this person and I talking about all of this. Where they talked about the dreams, visions, and things they had gone through. I knew all of that because I had written it down while they were out of my life going through it. I knew July would be the month they came back. So, them telling me about it only confirmed my intuition and readings were accurate.

So, my best guess is that their arrival back into my life that day was meant to encourage me to keep going, to trust in my vision, my dreams, and my intuition. That being said, that is my main focus right now. Our happiness is going to be put on the back burner with this current astrology. Our focus needs to be on our own material foundation and stability.

Which, ironically I inspired them to start doing. I was told that the way I spoke, the way I viewed them, the way I encouraged them inspired them to start seeking their own stability. I am still proud of their growth in spite of all that has happened since. None of it is personal, and it’s all in our charts.

This happiness on the back burner is going to be true for all of us, but my North Node is in the second house in Virgo. This means I have to be self-sufficient and know my own worth in order to be able to join resources with another person and have it be successful.

This person triggered a lot in me that I needed to work through, and so that’s what I’ve been doing. I refuse to not live my mission. I refuse to go backward and allow shame, public or not, to dictate how worthy or unworthy I feel. I refuse to feel as if I have to prove anything to anyone but myself.

Later on in the day yesterday my son came up and we were discussing the dreams and visions we’ve been having and how crazy it is that all of them keep coming true. I mentioned to him about this dream regarding the post on social media, so he went to check the person’s page.

Sure enough they had posted about me, not directly as in using my name, but it was very clearly and very obviously about me. Down to the all Caps that I mentioned seeing in the dream. Now, in that moment my son wanted to comment on the post, but I urged him not to.

Yes, anxiety had risen up. Yes, I started feeling ashamed and stupid for ever allowing myself to become involved in this situation. Yes, it was all very familiar for me. So, I sat here with the self-awareness that I had been triggered and decided I had two choices.

I could cave to my ego, respond, give this situation attention it just doesn’t deserve, and have more shame and healing to do later. This would be me allowing my head to dictate my path. My thoughts were anxious and scattered and this wouldn’t have been the time to give my head free reign.

See, my Aquarius is my signature sign. It is all about intellect over emotion. But having a Leo Rising means I’ve had to balance those opposing forces within myself. To know when to use my head and when to use my heart.

The second choice is I can sit with how I feel, remind the shame that I am doing my best to live up to the values I have internally. Explain to the shame that it doesn’t matter what they say or what comes out because I know the truth, I know my intentions, and I know who I am. This would be letting my heart lead from a higher space of spiritual knowing and intuition.

I chose to let my heart lead. To understand that for a year now my dreams, my visions, the downloads I’ve received in meditation have all come true. Therefore, I can fully trust that to lead me forward. I do not have to logically convince myself otherwise.

In fact, if we’re using logic then this log of events since September of 2019 coming true means that logically I should be listening and following the guidance I continue to receive. It took me a minute but honestly the energy you expend working through your triggers is far less than it is for you to allow those triggers to control you and dictate your actions.

If you’re feeling anxious today know that the astrology is probably the reason. Not only do we have the Sun and Moon opposing each other in Leo and Aquarius, provoking head versus heart battles, but we have this T square with Uranus. Uranus is all about shaking things up.

Just know that if you experience an unexpected emotional upheaval it doesn’t make you unworthy. It doesn’t mean you are weak. It doesn’t mean you are on the wrong path. It only means there is something there the universe wants you to take a look at, to dig out, to figure out, to heal or evolve.

Going forward, it doesn’t matter to me anymore what comes out. All of my shame from my days of religion to my relationships have been a public affair. None of it has stopped me yet. It’s all been a learning experience and taught me how to love myself in spite of that shame.

How to heal myself in spite of those who would rather judge me and make me feel small, as if they don’t all have their own shame to overcome. Just because it isn’t public doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Judging me becomes a way to not deal with their own. In this particular case that is more than true.

I have no animosity toward anyone. Nothing is as personal as it feels. What other people choose to say or do about me or anything else is their business. I know that I know that I know my energy is missed. My presence is missed. The peace and healing and unconditional love I offer is missed.

Meanwhile, I’m over here reminding myself I have worth, that I have a purpose, a soul mission, and a shit ton of growth and evolution in my wake. I wish them the same. What I tell myself is going to matter so much more than what anyone else will ever say to or about me.

The sooner you understand that lesson the better. I say this all the time, but it bears repeating. If you came up to me and spent literally 55 minutes of every hour telling me I’m worthy, explaining my talents, complimenting me, I’d feel great for that 55 minutes. But that night when I lay down I’m going to do so with whatever I told myself those other 5 minutes of those hours on my mind.

Your power is within you. You don’t need permission to own it. Do not allow your triggers to be strings other people can pull to get a reaction from you, as if you’re a puppet and they are your master. Deal with it internally and perhaps seek advice or support from those who have your back. Then wish the other people well and move on with your life.

Just finished part of my ritual. This is me releasing the anxiety, shame, and negativity that cropped up yesterday. I do believe I was given the dream as a warning because it was going to be a test. Well, I passed it.

Love yourself unconditionally or no one else ever will. Know your own worth or no one else ever will. Demand respect and equality or other people will walk all over you, and then call you the bad guy. Anyone honest who knows me knows I’m a genuine, up front, honest, authentic person. There isn’t anything you can say about me that I haven’t already told on myself for.

It is not me who is manipulative or vindictive. Unfortunately, I tend to attract those type of people to my life. The only difference between the past me and the me I am today is I don’t put up with it now. I’m not letting you dominate me or control me. Not in body, not in heart, and not in mind. My peace has become all too important to me.

I release my need to be liked and understood. Those meant to like and understand me will. I release the need to react when I am triggered from a space of shadow and ego. I release the need to be right. I release the need to control everything. I release the need to be seen in a certain light.

I am who I am. This same person once cried over how refreshing it was that I was such a genuine and authentic person. “You’re such an amazing person, Katrina, and the evidence of that is everywhere.” “You’re such a god damn genuine person, and it’s so refreshing.”

Thank you for the words of affirmation, but I knew that without being told and that’s the lesson.

People don’t leave you questioning your worth most of the time. They are afraid to stand in their full power, and I get it. I totally get it because I’m someone whose shame has been in the spotlight, and there is nothing harder than overcoming that. But what are the options?

For me there is only one. I choose to walk inside my story, all of it, shadow and light, ego and soul, and to not hustle or beg for you or anyone else to find me worthy. My integration and my worth is my sole responsibility and I take it very seriously.

I’m owning this story, so that it doesn’t own me. It’s that simple, really. If you lose me you have lost a huge resource of healing, warmth, support, and unconditional love. May you find it again some day when you feel worthy of it and ready to embrace your own transformation and power.

Special thanks to my amazing son, who knew what to say to me in that moment, and who is the main witness to all that I’ve stated here. Nothing will ever be more important to me than my relationship with my children, but without a healthy relationship with myself I can’t have those either.

Namaste

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You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors. ― Andrew Boyd