Final Thoughts: Hot Mess Success

By @phanttoni

Deep down what each of us wants is to be understood. When we don’t feel understood, seen, or heard we don’t feel loved. The problem with this is that most of us learn from a young age how to build up our shadow feeling unworthy of the very thing which we seek. Even if you didn’t have a lot of trauma and abuse growing up you likely do have shadow aspects in place.

We spend our lives wearing a mask because other people projected their own feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy onto us. This means when we try to connect with other people we do so putting up a front. Over time we end up trauma bonding. We only allow one another to see our wounded egos, and the light within remains hidden in the depths.

If you are someone who shines and gives, but don’t feel worthy, you’re likely going to be trapped in a toxic situation. One in which your partner wants your shine all to themselves, so they try to fit you into a little box and it dulls your shine over time. You will never raise them up no matter how long you stay. They will pull you down every single time.

No one can understand you if you aren’t exposing the real you. They can’t make you feel seen, heard, and validated until you’re willing to be honest about who you are and push past the fear of showing up and being seen. It all leads back to one very simple truth…

Your external relationships will only ever be as healthy and loving as the relationship you have with yourself.

Before anyone else on earth can understand you there is a need to understand yourself. Before they can ever hear you there is a need to hear yourself. Before they can ever validate you there is a need to validate yourself. Before they can ever truly love you, you must first love yourself.

Otherwise, it will never be the real you they love and the real you will always feel that void within, no matter what is happening without. They could come up to you every hour of every day, and spend 55 minutes of each of those hours pouring their heart out to you. Telling you they love you, you’re worthy, and how much you mean to them.

But they don’t love you. They love who you have pretended to be. What you tell yourself the other 5 minutes of those hours is going to be what you believe. You will know deep down they don’t love you because you haven’t introduced them to the real you. How you speak to yourself matters.

The pain other people have caused you is not personal. I know that it feels personal because I have been hurt over and over my entire life. However, it was not because I deserved it. It was not because those people wished to hurt me. It’s a matter of them trying to offer me what they hadn’t cultivated within. How can you give someone something you do not have?

If you keep settling for people who are trying to love your ever-changing mask you can’t be mad at them when they give up. We all crave consistency and when we aren’t being authentic we aren’t being consistent. Chances are they are only allowing you to see their ever-changing mask, too. This dynamic will never be powerful. It will be a lesson in power dynamics.

You will each end up trying to control the other through emotional manipulation. When you feel that control slipping you will act out in fear, but the truth is you never had any control. It’s all been an illusion this whole time. The only person you can control is you, and that’s hard enough. Why do you keep wasting time trying to control others, which is impossible?

I have learned that when I allow someone else to trigger an emotional reaction within me I do not have to react in the physical world. When I do I later feel shame and anger at myself. This makes it easier to project the blame for my lack of self-control onto them.

It’s a way of me allowing them to be a puppet master, pulling my strings. I don’t want to be controlled. I want to be in control of myself and my responses. The power dynamics of emotional manipulation is addictive, but its unhealthy, its not real power, and it’s not real control.

I’m not perfect. Even now as I type this I am so in my feelings. Cancer season as been brutal for me. I’ve had to relive old lessons to make sure I’ve learned them. The difference isn’t that you stop feeling emotions once you grow and evolve. It’s that you understand you do not have to react or act on those emotions. Instead, you can practice emotional intelligence.

In this moment, I want to reach out to someone and say so many things, but I am able to have restraint. I understand that if I sit with these feelings for a bit I will recognize they are coming from my wounded ego. They are nothing more than triggers and my shadow side wants me to react to them. I will keep exposing the shadow to my light, and rid myself of those illusions.

This is what I want to do for other people. I am a being of light and love, and I’m not sorry that it exposes your darkness. I’m not sorry that I’m not afraid to dive deep. I’m not sorry for who I am. I’m sorry for those of you who choose to keep playing small. I know you break your own hearts.

There are still times when I feel like this that I may even react in a way that I later regret. They are fewer and far between, but I am human. When those moments come I apologize and explain myself. I deal with my shame by thanking it for reminding me I have an internal value system that I am striving to live up to. I change my behavior to prove my apology is real.

Perfectionism is only another way to stop yourself from being seen. Your flaws and mistakes are okay. Stop trying to present some false image to the world. You will never attract genuine people if you are not a genuine person. Right now my heart is being expanded in ways I cannot explain. Everything in me wants to shut it down and turn back, but the universe will not allow it.

Vulnerability is okay. Showing up and letting the world see you as you are is terrifying, but it’s okay. Hi. My name is Katrina and sometimes I’m a hot mess. I used to practice emotional dumping and want people to validate my victim hood. I thrived in chaos and trauma bonding.

I used to drop everything to be there for anyone who came to me in chaos. I thought if I saved enough of them I’d finally be worthy of my own salvation. I’ve learned we can only ever save ourselves. We seek stress, chaos, and trauma when that’s what we are used to. Train yourself to seek something different. To seek inner peace and self-love. Accept what is.

I am no longer that person, but I am grateful for her. She was determined to get me where I am today. She spent hours studying to show herself approved. She learned how to validate herself. To find worth in herself. To leave a toxic, codependent situation that caused trauma for her and her children.

I have owned my entire past. There isn’t a single thing you could use against me because I’ll just admit it. I’ll tell you that I couldn’t do better before I knew better, and that once I knew better I did better. The only people’s opinion of me that will ever matter is that of my children. They have been a constant source of love, light, and motivation for me.

You have to stop caring what other people think. Honestly, when we are judging others it’s normally because we feel inadequate ourselves. If a mother feels inadequate, and most of us do, we tend to judge other mothers. If you see someone acting in a way you don’t like you may judge it because it’s a behavior you do not like in yourself. Recognize this and remind yourself of this when people are talking about you.

Give them something new to talk about, or let them stay in the past. You do not have to live there. You do not have to stay on the hook forever for the mistakes you made in the past, and you do not need anyone’s permission to come down from it. You only need your own.

Show up to your life. Stop playing small. Study the difference between emotions and intuition. Let intuition be your teacher and your guide. Little by little begin to trust the unknown. Step into your purpose and your power. You will make mistakes as you learn and grow, and that’s okay.

The road to success is littered with failure. If you’re afraid of failure you’ll never take a risk. If you do and fail you will freeze and refuse to learn the lesson in the failure and try again. Fear isn’t even real. It’s false evidence appearing real.

Get to know your subconscious triggers, so you can take responsibility for them. They may not be your fault, but you’re the only one who can heal them. No one else has access to your inner world. At the very least, surround yourself with a person or people who remind you when you fall that you’re not a victim, you’re not stuck there, and who encourage you owning your life.

Your inner world is a garden only you have access to. The only thing you have to offer another soul is what you’ve cultivated within that space. It’s likely you have hurt many people yourself. Did you mean to? Or is it more likely that hurt people hurt people? This is your first clue that it’s not personal when others hurt you, judge you, or mistreat you in any way.

Set a boundary. Respect other people’s boundaries. Understand that most people, even when they claim to love you, really do not. They are so desperate to feel love they have simply attached to you through false emotional bonding. If you’ve already wasted years don’t use that as an excuse to stay. Why would you want to waste anymore? I wasted fifteen.

The future is now. Every choice you make in the present moment determines your future moments. Today is a building block upon tomorrow. Stop overthinking it all. Take one thought at a time and work with that. You are not your thoughts and feelings. You are the essence, the awareness above them.

Do something lighthearted. We’re moving into Leo season now. All about loving hard and playing hard. Seek what warms your soul. Love is all around you. Meditate and get to now your higher self, get to know the universe, get to know your soul blueprint and dance along your path. Release all that is heavy.

Cancer season has shown you where home is. It has pushed you to reckon with your foundations. The message has been made clear. If you still aren’t comfortable in your own skin keep working on it. Just don’t act like you haven’t received the message. Trust what the universe is gifting you.

If you live in your wounded ego you won’t embrace it fully. You will not be yourself. You will not be vulnerable and genuine. Your foundation will once again have cracks. You will ruin what is good and gifted to you waiting for some imaginary shoe to drop. Your perception is your reality, period.

For me the universe has shown me where and who is home. There are just more pieces of the foundation that have to be laid first. If this is your situation, too, trust what you’ve been shown and lay the foundation. If you want this home to last and be more stable than any other you’ve ever had it’s worth the wait. It’s worth getting it right.

I am opening my arms to love. My entire being. I am love. I cannot lose myself. I am surrendering to the divine will of the cosmos. You should, too. Justice is here and a new cycle wants to come in. You’ve been given the epiphanies. You know deep down what is going to make you happy. What is going to bring you the future of material and spiritual pleasure you crave.

That passionate, magical new beginning is here. You just have to let the painful endings happen. Complete the past and leave it there. What are you waiting for? Even if you believe in past lives and think you get to come back to earth again why would you waste this one? Run like hell toward your dreams.

We all want to be understood. We all want desperately to belong. Until you learn to belong deeply to yourself you will never feel you belong anywhere else. The journey of self acceptance and self worth never ends. You don’t suddenly have it one day and that’s it. You just learn better how to navigate yourself away from feelings of unworthiness. Start there.

Instead of fighting with a codependent, angry person who doesn’t know how to love themselves, let alone you, find someone who is willing to be vulnerable. Someone you can talk to and say, “Hey, I have this emotional trigger I’m working on, and attempting to heal. I understand the issue is mine and I will get there, but could you just offer me some reassurance?”

That’s not perfectionism. Perfectionism would be hiding the fact that you are in need of reassurance. It’s okay to need that now and then. Just don’t force someone else to be your constant source of validation. If you do you’ll never believe them when they reassure you anyway.

The only road to freedom is the one where you take full responsibility for yourself, and stop projecting your pain onto everyone else. Transmute it. Integrate it. Turn that pain into a purpose. Let it motivate you to be better.


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