Family Ties: Full Moon in Cancer
I am going through some very difficult situations in my life, and many of them revolve around home, family, and children. You don’t really get more Cancer than that. Especially when you consider that Cancer speaks to a refusal at times to let go of the past. What are you holding onto?
There are moments I just want to give up. That I want to throw in the towel. That I forget how hard and long I’ve worked to get this far. How there was a time when I didn’t think I deserved this life, and how now I know I deserve even more. My own growth is evident to almost everyone, and yet, there are days I am tired of it. I don’t want to be the bigger person.
I don’t want to vibe high. I don’t give a fuck. I want to curl in a ball and just sleep forever. There a days I ask myself how much capacity can one human have? But then I think of all the people facing issues that pale in comparison to mine.
Mine are valid, but perspective helps me not become a victim all over again. I can’t let people sting me over and over, and then decide to get crabby and passive aggressive when they don’t appreciate me. We teach people how to treat us, and sometimes the damage takes a while to undo.
This Full Moon in Cancer is quite beautiful and deep. It is happening on December 26th at 7:33 EST at 4 degrees of Cancer. This means the Sun is in Capricorn and the Moon in Cancer. So something in your structures is being highlighted regarding the care and nurturing you give and receive.
Cancer is the first sign where we start to experience emotions. The number four is the number of responsibility. So, this Full Moon is asking us all to become more responsible with our emotions. To connect with others in a more vulnerable fashion.
To be kind, but also for the right reasons. To indulge in some naps and extra zzz’s. I love that this is in John’s 10th house of public image. That it’s sextile Jupiter in his 8th and trine Saturn in the 6th. At the New Moon in Cancer, July 17th, we learned he needed to be on the kidney transplant list.
We were told at that time he had to lose forty pounds and be reevaluated. So we got him down ten pounds and he got very sick. His body was so full of toxins and fluid that he couldn’t breathe. He missed a lot of work. His fistula won’t be ready until February, so after a brief hospitilaztion he was sent home to get sicker and sicker.
But the other day I told him he needs dialysis and he called his amazing nuphrologist. We took him to the ER Wednesday morning and he was given an emergency port through is jugular vein to receive emergency dialysis. Mind you, I knew the weight gain he was having was the fluids. We’ve been eating the right things, but he wasn’t eating much. There was no appetite.
They did a round of dialysis both Wednesday and Thursday. They removed ten liters of water and toxins from his body. He was back down to where I had him when he lost ten pounds. Today they took out three more liters and he’s now sixteen pounds down. They say he is likely carrying ten more pounds that will be released next week. That’s almost to our goal.
A trine to Saturn shows that he is ready to be more mature with his health and change his image. A sextile to Jupiter shows someone he is close to inspiring him and helping him. We are getting ready to sit down soon and go over all this charts. I am so excited because it’s all right there.
We found out about the kidney transplant list the day of the New Moon. The day of the Full Moon he will be having a port put in as the journey has now culminated to dialysis. You cannot make this stuff up. This is why I journal because I can go back and see what was happening.
I can even go back to January 6th, the last Full Moon in Cancer. Where he and I landed in the ER that day because he was filling with water. He was hospitalized at the Full Moon in Cancer, January 6th. He was at the doctor at the New Moon, July 17th. And now we are at the Full Moon again, where it has all culminated to dialysis three times a week.
We are reclaiming our space, too. All of us. You, me, him, her. It’s time to create a sanctuary of peace in our homes. And if family cannot respect that they may have to be removed. This trine to Saturn doesn’t make adulting and boundary setting natural, but it does bring an ease to it.
Our hearts are softening toward self-care, self-nurturing, and the soveriegnty we are done giving away. Stop carrying the emotional baggage that is keeping you stuck. This shit is so much simpler than people make it out to be and it’s taxing and exhausting.
Right after the New Moon last July Chiron went Rx in Aries. Now he is stationing direct the same day as the Full Moon. This is a chance to find absolutely profound healing, and the trine to Saturn can help you commit to that healing path for the long-haul. Aries is soveriengty. The North Node is there. Where are you still lacking emotional soveriengty?
I truly think we are releasing the weights in our hearts, on our shoulders, wherever it is. We are entering 2024 with Jupiter direct, and Mercury goes direct on the first day. I believe the first half of the coming year is going to feel so good after the long few years we’ve had.
As tired as I get of being the emotionally mature one this Full Moon is demanding that of us. No more wallowing allowed. Have a good cry and then wipe those tears and make a plan. You may get triggered. Hell, I still deal with triggers. So make a plan to work through it without giving away your power or reacting from that space.
I have been dealing with John in the hospital with his BNP 5032. His heart working incredibly hard to keep him alive. I have had to go back and forth with one of my daughter’s because I made her husband move out of the home and she believes it’s unfair. It’s not in my eyes, and so this conflict has been ongoing. In fact today’s astrology was so on point.
The Moon was in Taurus conjunct Uranus. It was opposing my 4th house Uranus, which is the house of home and family. So, I knew something would happen with home and family that was unexpected and emotionally upsetting. See the Moon was also squaring my natal Mars in the 7th.
So, I also knew it would be one person in the home and family. The 7th house is one-on-one interactions and Mars rules the 4th of home and family. Add to that Mercury went back into Sagittarius today, which is my fifth house of children. The perfect storm.
I was out driving my other daughter, her partner, and my grandson around. We pulled into the driveway and I was checking my phone while parked with them unloading. My daughter told me she is done playing nice. I told her then she could leave my home and I blocked her.
She gets very dysregulated and I will get walls of text. It’s very anxiety inducing because in that state she uses manipulation that she once learned from me. It’s not the prettiest reflection. And my sister is dealing with her baby sick and her best friend had a heart attack. Our niece is dealing with unfathomable pain and trauma.
It seems everyone we love is going through something challening, and one of the people we love is causing more challenges. I cannot be in character 100% of the time, but I promise you it’s at least 97%. And the 3% of the time I am in pain, tired, everything feels heavy, and I come out of character I recognize it almost instantly and stop myself.
So even in those moments I an consistent with my integrity and accountability. Because only I can be. It’s too easy to give other people the power to choose your mood. It’s far more powerful to choose if yourself. Let this Full Moon be a recognition of how much you’re grown this year.
I found myself feeling like I needed to deep clean the house, so John wouldn’t be upset when he came home. Until I realized John would never be upset at all. In fact, he would encourage me to rest when I could, and to not overtax myself. I don’t have to earn my keep or his love. He and I had a brief and beautiful conversation about that.
He tells me everyday how much better I have made his life. How he is grateful for me because I lead him to right decisions. How proud he is of me for being consistent and caring. The list goes on and on. But there is a trigger there from my previous marriage that comes up now and then.
There is no air in the sky right now and won’t be for a while. This means intellectural debates won’t be productive. People are in their emotions. So the best you can do is learn to control yours. Everyday, even the days I feel like curling into that ball and ignoring it all I practice sacred gratitude.
As I am writing this tonight my other daughter messaged me hurt and upset regarding her own relationship. It also forces me to face the fact that she learned her people pleasing and conflict avoidance from me. But I don’t feel guilt and shame over that anymore. It used to be so uncomfortable.
But the truth is, I only learned what I lived and passed it down because that’s what we all do. And the moment I realized I didn’t have to do that I began changing my entire life. So, while I have shown my children the wrong way, I have also shown them how to right their paths.
I slid a ten page love letter under my daughter’s door, and I know it’s no match for her missing husband, but it’s the best I can offer her right now. Their arguing is too much for the rest of the household. I have sat countless nights and spoke with them about emotional intelligence and healing.
Setting boundaries on my children is the hardest things I have ever done. It would be so much easier to give them whatever they wanted because of the damage I know I caused them. But I know on a very deep level that isn’t conducive to our relationships and their ultimate joy.
Setting firm boundaries with them is newer the past few years. The others seem to be doing better with it than this one. She told me that she didn’t mean it in a bad way, and wasn’t trying to be mean, but it wasn’t fair if I made her move out at 24 because I am the reason for her trauma and the reason she reacts the way she does to everything.
How utterly difficult to swallow the guilt and shame that brought on, and respond with the truth. Yes, I am the reason you have valid trauma to work through, and if I could heal it for you I’d be first in line to sign up. But the world doesn’t work that way.
I cannot change the past. All I can do is take accountability in the present, which can alter and make for a better future. I have taken accountability to the point where I have changed my entire life. And the way I did that was learning enabling is not love and neither is tolerating disrespect.
She hears me speak about these things often, so how does it look and feel for her when my actions do not match my words? See, if I enable her to not take accountability just because I’m the one who originally caused the problem I am allowing her to wallow in her victimhood. She and I become a toxic mother daughter duo, full of codependence.
If I tolerate disrespect from her I am teaching her it’s okay to disrespect others. And I haven’t done that in years. My integrity matters. My accountabilty matters. And I do not have to let anyone in the world disrespect me ever again. I will not enable my own mistreatment.
In her dysregulated state she told me again that once she moves out she is never going to speak to me again. That I am more concerned with being right than having a relationship with her. This is ironic because the entire reason I was able to change my life is because I let go of pride and the need to be right. I took what they said to heart and faced my own demons.
This has zero to do with me “being right”. She knows that and was just upset, which I understand. But when I tell you that all the things on my plate are heavy this is not helping. If I let him come back I make her happy for the two minutes they didn’t argue.
But I make everyone else miserable and force them to walk on eggshells. John’s heart is already working so hard. He definitely doesn’t need the stress. My oldest has to cover his ears and head when they argue. In fact, she was screaming at him over the phone the other day and woke up my youngest child. It makese sense to do what is best for the most people.
And still I sit here, so much to be grateful for and excited about. Yes, there is that part of me that would love to just curl up like an unbloomed flower, and not deal with any of this. However, lately I’ve been convincing myself that every moment in life is not a test, persay. It’s more a chance to be who I say that I am. An emotionally intelligent, accountable human being.
And that’s this Cancer Full Moon in a nutshell. Home is where the heart is, and the state of your heart is dependent on the state of your willingness to heal it. This is a chance to truly release family karma. And so I am trusting the universe that if I stand my ground in love that is what will happen. This Full Moon ushers in the silver lining we’ve been waiting for.
Namaste
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