Some people like how open I am and others do not. I am so honest and authentic with my life because I never want to make anyone feel like I am superior or better than them. I never want you to read my work and wonder what I get so right that you get so wrong. I get it wrong sometimes, too.
Most often we are left to compare our behind the scenes to everyone else’s highlight reels, and that isn’t realistic. We all struggle. We all suffer. We all have a hard time with emotions and feelings. We are not taught how to handle them intelligently. I wasn’t and certainly didn’t teach that to my children for a very long time. I will never lie about that.
Even when you learn emotional intelligence, the application of what you learn can be a tough road. You’re always going to be human. It’s so important to understand that being human is okay. It’s all any of us can be. So much of our shame is centered around things we cannot control. And when we don’t control our emotions shame can definitely be a player in the game.
Mercury went retrograde (Rx) right on my descendant. In the house of relationships. This let me know that I’d likely be seeing issues in relationships. He is going to move into my sixth house and conjunct Pluto before it’s over. In my current solar return it’s my 3rd and 4th houses; siblings, home, family.
Venus has been Rx in my natal 6th and solar return 4th for a bit now. She rules my 3rd and 10th houses. Siblings, public image, reputation. I’m not proud of my reputation this morning. I’m not proud of how I handled myself at all. I feel deep regret and shame. But it didn’t start today.
Mercury rules thought and communication. When it’s in Rx our communication is not always accurate. We can see repeats of the past. It’s a good time to revise and reflect. So, that’s what I’m doing here. I know I repeated something twice in recent days that I never want to repeat again.
Rather than allow the shame to consume me I chose to meditate. First I went to a friend I can trust and explained the situation. She reminded me that I did nothing but speak the truth, and that I was only feeling uncomfortable because maybe it wasn’t my place to speak it. She was correct as usual.