Codependency is a theme showing up the past few days for me, so I figured why not write about it. The first half of my life I was very codependent. No one had taught me about self-worth and self-love. This had me trying to seek love and worth through my connection with other people. Take it from me this will never, ever end well.
You cannot rescue people from their responsibilities, run around people pleasing, and then react in anger when they don’t fulfill the void in you. When you are people pleasing you’re doing it to receive a feedback that at best will be temporary even if it does come. Then you’re feeling sorry for yourself and adopting a victim mindset. You’re no victim, though.
You made a choice. Likely one you’ve made over and over again. When you stay doing the same thing on repeat expecting a different result it’s madness. The best indicator of the future is the past. We shouldn’t be ashamed of the past, but we should be learning from it.
Codependency is when you over-step and over-do for someone else to gain their approval. It doesn’t matter how well-meaning or nice you are. People pleasing is a codependent energy always. You become dependent on the appreciation, pat on the back, and approval of another.
Much of the time we are reacting based on programming we witnessed growing up. Often allowing ourselves to be triggered into emotional over-reaction. This feels like standing up for yourself in the moment, but it’s never that. Losing control of your emotions is giving your power away to whoever or whatever triggered it. It’s not standing in your power.
Every time you change your own behavior to try and control or manipulate the behavior of others you are giving them more of that power. You can project and blame them all day long, say you’re just “matching energy”, but your denial of the truth doesn’t make it any less true.
Every time you react without reflection you are allowing someone else to have control and power over you. What you put out is what comes back to you. Every relationship you are in right now is a reflection of the relationship you have cultivated with yourself. It is a mirror for you, and if you don’t like the reflection changing it starts with you.
There is no need to sit in shame over it. Shame isn’t bad. It only shows up to remind you that you have values and aren’t living up to them. Try to view shame as a reminder that you have core values and something needs to be addressed regarding those. You’re not the only one who lives with this duality and polarity within. We all do. Codependency takes two.
The goal isn’t to sit around in envy, comparing your behind the scenes to everyone’s highlight reel feeling like you must be the only one. No one wants to attend a pity party. Shame is triggered simply to remind you who you really are, and encourage you to live up to that. It’s not there to convince you that you’re bad or unworthy. Perception is reality, though.
Everyone of us is worth far more than the worst thing we’ve ever done. The next time you feel a negative emotion practice non-reaction. Be self-aware and start learning that your reaction IS your power. People around you will ultimately be triggered if you start setting boundaries; set them anyway. Don’t waste time passing shame back and forth like a hot potato.
You’re allowed to learn, grow, and evolve. If the people around you don’t want to level up that’s not your fault. Let them keep living in the past. You are only responsible for you. This is why codependency is so unhealthy. The only personal growth and evolution you can control is your own.
What other people say and do to hurt you isn’t personal. They can only ever meet you at the level of healing and understanding they’ve allowed themselves. Detach a bit and discover that you never have to perform or beg to feel worthy and loved. You just have to own that you are. This is when you teach people how to treat you.
Inevitably you will outgrow some people. As you set boundaries they will test them because they aren’t used to you having them. When you are no longer willing to feed that codependent cycle it frightens them. All change can scare us, and this is no different. Once you cut off their supply don’t let them convince you that because of who you used to be you can’t be different now.
You are neither inherently bad nor good. We are all both light and shadow. The part of you that you project most will be the one you’re feeding the most. This doesn’t mean you ignore the shadow, but that’s an entirely different conversation. What you feed will grow, though.
Is it a feeling of safety and security you are seeking? Because honestly other people will never be a steady supply of either. When you shift your perception it releases the mental cages that have imprisoned you so long. Focus your thoughts and energy on you.
If you continue being dependent on others for validation you will continue to have shame spirals and feel unworthy, crying yourself to sleep, and deceiving yourself as your ego is free to devour your truth. You have everything within regarding the emotional resources you need. Root yourself in self-love.
When you do this you can let down your guard. See how we deceive ourselves? We depend on others to fill us with a sense of appreciation and worth, all while building walls to keep those things out. They can’t climb your walls. You’ll just build them higher when they try.
Your power is within you. It doesn’t come from you, but through you. It is a gift you’ve been given, so try not to be so careless with it. Connect to your intuition, practice emotional intelligence. Vulnerability is real strength, but not everyone is deserving of your vulnerability.
Your inner world is a garden, and no one else has access to it but you. No matter how badly you want someone else to plant the seeds and tend your garden they simply cannot. You must water and nurture self. Pull the weeds. You determine the harvest. All you have to offer comes from within. Is there anything blooming?
Nothing is as personal as it feels bears repeating over and over. We are all just seeking to love and belong. Find compassion for self and others, but understand that once compassion turns into enabling it’s no longer serving a higher purpose. You can’t walk around with walls wondering why love never visits, or having no boundaries at all wondering why all there is, is pain.
There isn’t a single person in the world who can make you feel unworthy, unloved, or inferior without your absolute consent. You will always believe what you tell yourself far more than what anyone else tells you. If you can truly understand this and start telling yourself something different that’s when things start shifting and changing.
If I came up to you every single hour of the day, and spent 15 minutes telling you that you are unworthy, unlovable, and bad it wouldn’t matter if the other 45 minutes of each hour you reminded yourself not to take me personal, and that I must have some unresolved issues within.
Of course, I’d hope that you would set boundaries and tell me politely that unless and until I can show you the respect you deserve I am not allowed in your life. I know it’s not easy, but if I can do it, so can you.