Adjustment Zones
January has felt like the longest month of my life. And yet, I can’t believe it’s been five months since we surprised the kids with their dad, so he would be here for our daughter’s art reveal. There has been so much good.
The trauma that takes place can sometimes surpass the amazing things if we aren’t careful. But how fucking cool is it that our daughter was one of seven out of fifty artists to take part in this? We are so proud. ❤
She is scheduled to interview with the local news tomorrow afternoon. It’s to a promote her event this Sunday. Someone who owns a local cafe invited her to a spot. He’s going to let her hang her art there for sale.
She did the first letter N.
Recently we had this conversation about her new job. She is a care coordinator in one of the emergency rooms near us. She told me that she remembered when I spoke of not feeling good enough for the wellness job I took, and I just kept working on my mindset.
Eventually I took a job I didn’t think I’d ever be qualified for. And the benefits are out of this world good. For the first time in my life I am in housing that neither a man or the government is funding. I am able to provide my own health insurance. The paid time off is unbelievable.
She took that inspiration when she was applying for jobs. And not only did she land interviews to jobs she would have convinced herself she didn’t deserve, but she landed one she really likes. She pulls three 12 hours shifts a week, and has four days free for family, art, whatever she desires.
And there are so many other milestones that I could list for all of us. Even as there are hard, difficult, tragic situations in our lives as well. This is the space I speak of. Where you have to give yourself permission to flow through various states of emotion.
The other day someone I’ve known all my life lost the father of her children to a drunk driver. Two of her children were airlifted to another state. And you have to hold space for the gravity of that grief without bypassing it. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t feel your joy where it shows up.
Both are valid. One doesn’t have to cancel the other out.
As proud as I am of Jasmyne I really miss Jayde. She has chosen not to speak to me at this time in her life, which is her complete right. Their childhood was not good. I had taken my CPTSD and passed it onto them by repeating cycles because that’s what we do as human beings.
There is no one in the world that could ever shame me the way I have shamed myself, but shame never helped me change. It was learning to have grace for myself that enabled me to take accountability for myself. And I have a bit of irony here for you.
Several years ago, prior to Jayde finding Christianity and destransitioning, she was into the same line of spirituality as I am. She did take it a bit further than I did. One day we were chatting about our growth. I told her I was doing pretty good with my anxious attachment.
However, I still didn’t think I could go on if one of them ever stopped speaking to me. And in her wise sage energy she told me I would have to. Otherwise, all the growing, changing, trying to help others would be for nothing. I wouldn’t be practicing what I preach.
And it’s so important to me to be an example. She said she loves and appreciates me, but God has told her she can’t talk to us right now. And I cry now and then because my heart hurts. I just want to pull her in my arms and love her. But I have to respect her. Because it isn’t about me.
Only she knows what she needs to heal. And goodness knows I’m grateful for the love and lessons she has taught me. Every challenge that I once dreaded was something I swear she promised to teach me before we ever arrived on this pale blue dot we call Earth.
For the past few weeks I battled a kidney stone that landed me in the ER three different times. Thankfully they are pretty sure it’s passed. And while all of that was taking place my children’s father and I were growing closer through uncomfortable conversations about the past.
In fact, he had told me he was grateful because it had given him the courage to have other difficult conversations in his life. Ones he had been putting off and needed to face. I was so proud of him.
Until the other night when he brought up Trump. And I asked him three times to let it go. I had been so emotional and reactive since he took office that I knew I wasn’t in the space to have that conversation.
I told him I was letting him go because he wouldn’t stop. I ended up sending a voiceclip, very respectful, and explained why I was emotional about it. And this man who has been nothing but a safe space to have uncomfortable conversations replied,
“I’m done with this shit” and removed me from his Facebook.
At that point I decided to send him a respectful email and block him on everything. It wasn’t until a day or so later I realized he had emailed me back. The block didn’t prevent the email, it sent it to spam. But this opened up dialogue, which was good.
Because I am always telling you guys that our viscreal reactions or triggers may never leave. In that case, it’s our job to practice the pause and respond. We shouldn’t just allow ourselves to react straight away.
This is a man who said the kids and I have opened his heart and mind in ways he never fathomed. I know that Jupiter is currently sitting on his Sun, and that Uranus is at play. He is a loving, kind, respectful, fun, adventurous soul, and his character belies his admiration for that man.
He cast a vote against Trump in the election because he admitted he hadn’t studied and educated himself the way I had. We were so grateful. He even voted for the amendment in his state to protect women, but it didn’t pass.
There have been many signs for me lately that I have the gift of bridging gaps. But in order to do that I need to depersonalize things way more than I have. I need to be open to what others have to say, and instead of shooting it down, validate their feelings and establish trust, and then explain in respectful language why I disagree.
Eventually this led to him explaining to me what he thought Trump has done that is good since taking office. It enraged me to read it, I won’t lie. But I wasn’t going to respond from that space. The kidney stone kicked in and I was back in the ER. This gave me time to process and think.
I responded with love and respect. I validated all of his points. And then I explained how things like bringing drilling to America don’t really change his life or the lives of anyone he loves. I gave evidence and links.
Then I made the points I had, which is that his policy hurts women, those on the LGBTQ spectrum, my Mexican family and friends. This puts our children at risk. So the “good” things he said Trump did were not anything that really benefits any of our lives, and kills the climate.
But the concerns I have are backed up with the fact that women have already died all over the country. And our daughter has had an ectopic pregnancy already. Drilling in America is not a good trade for the life of our daughter. But I know he wasn’t viewing it that way.
I’m hopeful that my trust in that fact will bridge the gap. That once he reads what I wrote he will acknowledge what he may not have seen before. But if it doesn’t that’s okay, too. Because I am going to keep manifesting my life.
Even if I agreed that all of those things were good, is it an even trade to have our children now fear for their lives, and my friends and family, who are upstanding members of society, have to hold their breath to see if they will be deported from the only home they have ever known?
He hasn’t responded, but I gave him a lot of information to chew on. And I’m not sure how he took it all. But what I tried to do was give him the benefit of the doubt and prove I know his heart. Because I do.
And suddenly I’ve surrendered everything to the Universe. It’s been trying to tell me my job is done. All there is to do is rest and receive. I trust that Jayde will make her way back to me when she is ready. And maybe there is more accountability for me to take.
I trust my children’s father loves them deeply, and that right now he’s chewing on the information I sent him with nothing but the deepest respect and love. I tried to offer us both grace.
His eventual reply will determine his role in my life. I’ve decided that anyone who supports Trump, especially after I take the time and energy to give you the benefit of the doubt, and educate you, doesn’t rank high enough to have any access to me.
Our children are adults and they can do as they please. But I refuse to associate with anyone who willingly supports my rights being taken away, or the stripping of birthright citizenship from my family and friends. My loyalty will forever lie with my personal core values and beliefs.
The least of these, Jesus said. He said go sell all that you have, and give to the poor. As Trump lined his front row with three billionaires. He gave them 500 billion dollars, and tried to take meals on wheels and food stamps from poor people to pay for it.
The smoke and mirrors isn’t even working. It’s blatant.
I know what side of history I’m on, and I only want people in my life who are that side of history with me. Fairness, justice, equality. More love and less fear. More acceptane of diversity.
Someone else sent me a message the other day that said, “Fuck liberals Trump is king”. I didn’t bother replying. I simply blocked him. This is a man who I have known for years, and his character is shit. He has never been a man of ethical and honest character. It’s such a cult.
You see what Trump emboldens?
And our media is so censored that many Americans don’t know the whole world is protesting. They don’t want us seeing that and getting any ideas, but guess what? Pluto and Mercury just joined in Aquarius.
We just had a New Moon there. Power to the people.
Let’s not feed the fears. That’s the opposite of love. Lean into love, educate yourself, and make a difference. Let everyone else be where they are. You get to decide where you stand. And you can decide that with grace.
Today was a good day. Best I’ve felt in weeks. The stone finally passed on its own. I got to meet a doctor I’ve scheduled many patients for, and he was very chill and informal. Had a great conversation about why kidney stones are popular in winter.
I’ve lost a total of 28 pounds since October. And they were glad to see I had lost 18 since I was there November 1st. Can’t wait to see my NP on the 7th and check my A1C!
Came home and watched my grandson, who was in a great mood. Got so much lovin’ and snuggles. He went to my parents to visit, and I was in my room hearing Rigo make Sunshine laugh. I love hearing my children laugh.
Best thing in the world is their joy. ❤
Find yours. Oxoxoxoxoxo
