Addicted to the Madness
There is magic everywhere you look. Your brain is magic. The fact that it can reprogram itself is incredible. I am addicted to the madness that stems from constant self-awareness. Healing is magic.
The past few weeks I’ve been in a very dark place, and for the first couple weeks I didn’t realize how bad it had gotten. This place became so dark and depressing that for the first time in years I considered ending it all. But I didn’t forget the lessons I’ve learned, the tools I’ve gathered.
I had found myself in a situation where once again I had to question why I am never enough, but I am enough. This is what I mean when I tell you that sometimes you won’t feel like it, but you have to know that you are. This allowed me to understand if I kept using the tools I would be okay.
There is a huge part of me that never wants to need anyone else. I want to be able to self-soothe, and never be vulnerable with another human being. But that’s crazy talk. Sometimes we need somebody. Building a support system in your life is so important.
This darkness didn’t stem from any one thing. It was many situations in my life happening all at once, and making me feel like I had no control. The situation I describe here was just the point of no return for me. That is, until I returned. Yesterday was the first time I felt myself in a long time.
The people in your life right now are so important. The world is heading into further madness. Things are not getting easier in the matrix. We have to come together and help one another escape it and lead fulfilling lives in the midst of all that chaos.
Phoning a friend is a tool. Having a supportive person and people in your life is a gift. And so the night before last I reached out to a friend. I knew that she would be surprised by what I said, maybe a bit afraid, but I also knew she would remind me who I am and what I needed to tell myself.
Telling her how I felt out loud, admitting it, seemed so absurd to me as I said it. The way I described how I felt didn’t sound like me. I don’t feel that way, ever. But I did. And that’s okay.
The epiphany I had afterward is that I was full on in my old, anxious attachment. I was allowing what someone else needed to become about me, and how if they needed that, I somehow wasn’t enough for them. I went from being angry at someone else to saying I’m sorry to them.
This person is someone I really care about. Someone I know is genuine and doesn’t want to hurt or disappoint me for anything. And in that moment, where they were brave, and risked disappointing me, to give themselves what they need, I made it harder. Insecurities are self-sabotage.
It’s as if suddenly the sky has cleared and the Sun is shining again for the first time in weeks. This has definitely been a Mercury Rx in my 5th house, and Mars traversing my 1st and 12th story. My Neptune has been heavily afflicted, removing the film from my eyes.
This is Saturn in the house of intimacy and vulnerability, in square to Neptune in the 5th house of authentic self-expression. It’s Saturn opposing my Moon, Saturn, and North Node. It’s conjunct my South Node.
I’m releasing old ways of connecting. I’m maturing into this soul who can connect with anyone, on any level, and not make what I don’t understand or agree with about myself. It’s easy to be tired of the difficult transits we deal with, but they are beautiful gifts that force our evolution.
I really thought I had done the work. That I would never fall into that desperate place of anxious attachment. But there I was. The truth is I don’t want someone to choose me if they don’t really want to. There is no amount of manipulation I want to offer in this scenario.
At best I end up with someone who is only there because I’m afraid of abandonment, and building resentment the entire time. At worst I end up alone and forced to face my own shit again. But in no situation do I ever again want anyone in my life just to say I have them.
Let people come and go. And don’t ever let it be about how enough you are for them. Because if you’re never enough for yourself you won’t ever be enough for them anyway. You’ll choose people who also don’t feel like they’re enough. And you’ll end up in this anxious avoidant dance for reassurance and validation that never comes.
And as soon as I released the anxiety. As soon as I decided to let go of the attachment to it having to be this person, the attachment to the idea that I have to fix everything for everyone in order to be enough, it all changed.
The Universe opened up a flow for me that I’ve never experienced before. And it feels as if something is shifting on a cellular level within me.
And that’s fucking magic.
Let’s talk about the current energy because I think you need to be aware of what is taking place right now. There is one astrologer who is absolutely nailing all the energy. I subscribe to his work he is so good.
I’ll link him at the end of the post.
Here is a recent quote:
This transit, far from the optimistic stuff you might hear, reflects the enduring reality of the myth: power always takes, and what it gives back is rarely on the terms of the nurturer.
The 2020 conjunction fucked us all — it was the greatest wealth transfer ever conducted with rubber gloves and surgical masks; this 2024 conjunction redefines. Pluto is here to remind us that no transformation comes without some destruction, some severance and tragic loss, while Ceres insists on the need to grieve exactly what’s been lost, in the meantime, shutting down our supply.
Venus, standing between them, asks the most human of questions: how do we reclaim and redistribute our sense of worth, value, beauty, and love amidst the tightly run machinery of demolitions and collapse? This is the negotiation of survival in a new and unrelenting world.
I love being all love and light, but that is avoidance. The South Node is almost done with its stay in Libra. The sign of the scales. Where on one side is the light, love, and joy. On the other is the shadow, fear, and pain. Peace is never an option if you’re focused on only one.
The relationships in your life have been undergoing some serious challenges. And this is because now is the time to cut off anyone who doesn’t love you for who you are. Anyone who uses you, doesn’t ever reciprocate, just takes until you’re bled dry. Release them all.
Because what is coming of the world is the destruction of systems that we’ve become dependent on. And in Aquarius it is time to relearn and rethink what society means. To create strong tribes of people around us that can help us anchor in for the long haul.
Having Venus, Ceres, and Pluto together in Aquarius at zero degrees is part of a longer story, when Saturn and Jupiter conjoined here in December of 2020. And the big picture is decentralized and redistributed, but this sort of dry, logical, mechanical approach doesn’t sit right with Ceres.
Aquarius doesn’t give a fuck about feelings. If something makes sense we just do it because it makes sense. But Ceres is all about the warmth of the hearthfire. It’s about human connection, and the rhythms of the season. And as Ang pointed out, these are being threatened by the impersonal forces of technology and algorithms.
Venus is there to try to make the process of shadow work and transformation more pleasing to the eye. Nothing feels human anymore, even though they swear it’s all to benefit humanity. What sacrifices are you willing to make to nurture and care for yourself and others in healthy ways? Because that’s what this is about.
As Venus was Rx in Leo last year I told you it’s a rebranding with roots. It was a time where we started noticing more than ever the relationships we had in our lives. Whether they felt authentic or lacked integrity. We were shifting to this idea that relationships should be warm and reciprocal.
In my own relationship at the time I started to realize that I was the only one compromising. That I was the only one who kept my word and promises. That he would agree to things in what seemed like a genuine manner, and then go back on them two days later.
So I had to rebrand who I was and what I wanted. For me, Leo is the 1st house, so it’s always going to be huge identity crisis and shifts. I wasn’t asked to do small things the way I asked him for small things. He pushed me to do things hard and triggering, which I was grateful for.
But it can’t all be on me to do the grunt work.
Now here we are with Venus having moved into Aquarius, and opposed Mars in the opposite sign of Leo. It was in February they came together in conjunction at the same degree in Aquarius. As Venus did her Rx she had been chasing Mars, and then suddenly she stopped.
In February is when this other person reentered my life. At that time from a distance. There was still a barrier between us. Here we are now, where we are closer than we’ve ever been, and there is still a barrier between us. But you can’t tell me this story isn’t meant to be playing out in my life right now.
In February the conjunction was the beginning of the story. This opposition is space to allow ourselves to reflect on ourselves and one another. The scenario here is I have to back off and let this other person figure out what it is they want, who they are, and discover their needs for the first time in their life, so they can stop people pleasing and abandoning themselves.
When we abandon ourselves it’s easier to abandon others. And in this situation that word, that feeling, has huge implications.
Venus was chasing Mars last year, and she suddenly stopped. She went Rx and let Mars rush off and do what he needed to do. They later came together and started a new cycle.
And here we are with them in conversation about what they’ve learned. Reflecting back to each other where they have both fallen short. Offering each other a mirrored response. In spite of the differences and difficulties some relationships are worth working out.
And as the journey continues we get to decide whether we evolve or not. Whether we decide to keep people in our lives who refuse to evolve. Whether we take the reflection we get of ourselves from other people and make it one we can be proud of later.
Listen to me, scatterbrained ideas will forever fail. Lofty visions that can’t withstand the weight of scrutiny are destined to never bear fruit. This includes relationships you’ve held onto for years that haven’t evolved. We can’t go down clinging to old structures that aren’t aligned with our life.
Or at least not the life we want to live.
Let the old one collapse.
Let’s stop telling ourselves stories about how what other people do has anything to do with us. Let’s have vulnerable conversations. Let’s be willing to say we are sorry. Let’s be willing to release those who refuse to apologize. And let’s find depth in our connections the most important thing.
Because had I continued on the way I was this no doubt would have damaged our connection. But because they understood what I was dealing with, didn’t take it personal, and I recognized it in myself here we are.
And no, I didn’t get my way.
But I’m sure proud to know someone who is practicing disappointing others in order to pursue what their soul is saying to them. Even if I am the one who was disappointed. And that’s how you love someone. You let them do what they need to do to discover who they are and what they want.
And you let them do that without any pressure from you to be what they want in the end. I feel like I will love people differently moving forward in the most beautiful way.
I am grateful for the darkness of the past few weeks.
It allowed a priceless illumination that will last the rest of my life. ❤
Find Ang here:
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Thanks for following along, friends. I am sending all of you my love. ❤
