A Man is NOT a Financial Plan

I’ve watched the tradwife trend with fascination for a while now. I’m ready to add my experience to the conversation. I am coming at this from two relationships with two completely different perspectives. I’m going to explain why young women should not agree to be stay at home wives and mothers without a backup plan.

In my first marriage I came with three kids, and we had one more together. Daycare was incredibly expensive. So he and I had this conversation about me being the stay at home wife and mother, so that we didn’t have to foot the bill for that. And when I tell you I did everything I did everything, and it was never enough to earn my keep in his eyes.

There I was, four young kids, all of us being abused, and no way out. There wasn’t money I could stash away because I didn’t have my own money. Financial abuse was part of the experience. He refused to teach me how to drive. He would get my hopes up, spend the money for me to get my permit one more time, and then fail to follow through in teaching me.

He would tell me all the time I wasn’t worth shit because I didn’t work outside the home. And then at age 37 he had a heart attack. Up to that point he had worked quite consistently. Early in the relationship when our youngest was only a few months old I was working full-time, and taking care of everything at the apartment we called home.

So I told him to leave and not to come back without a job. He came back a week later with a job, and held that moment against me for the rest of our relationship. When he had his heart attack it dawned on me that if he died I would be completely screwed. I had nowhere to take four children.

The week before his heart attack I brought home a medication that was going to help me stop smoking. I asked him if he would please smoke outside, so I stood a better chance, and he refused. When he had his heart attack he demanded we both quit. I began to truly understand how little he gave a shit about me, my health, and my well-being.

I was basically his indentured servant. Everyday the house was spotless. I picked up after him the way I did my children. He never lifted a finger around the house, not even to take out the trash. I folded his clothes after I washed and dried them. I prepared his lunch every night. And is stayed up as late as possible, so I wouldn’t have to lay near him too long.

I was so full of resentment, but I had chosen that life. And it wasn’t until I understood it really was a choice that I could make a different one. I left him on October 29, 2016 and the divorce was final October 29, 2019. I haven’t seen or heard from him since November of 2018.

This year we reached out to him because my youngest had hopes that his dad had changed, at least a little bit. We finally went to the house we used to live in, and last knew he was still in. We were told he had abandoned the home in such a bad state they had to wear hazmat suits to clean it out.

I was able to get a hold of his mother, and she cried. She said he told her that if our child wanted to be in his life he should have thought about that five years ago. In November 2018 my daughter told me all the things he had done to make her uncomfortable sexually the summer before she turned 16. I almost took my own life that day so many times.

My son was devastated, but I told him his dad doesn’t want to face his own guilt and shame over the things he did to us. It hurts and that is so valid, but it’s not as personal as it feels. It tells us a lot about how much his dad hasn’t changed, and he’s probably better off without him in his life.

I had to start from scratch. I secretly waited for the low income housing options to open up. I applied and got accepted. He had me so abused, manipulated, and gaslit, that I hesitated to accept the offer at first. Then one morning he embarrassed my child in front of their friends for no good reason, and it was the straw that broke the camels’ back.

I was terrified, but that is the day I told him I was leaving. It was July 2016 and I couldn’t move in until October. So we lived out of boxes for months. He helped me move our things. I had no furniture. I had no bed. The only thing he allowed me to take is the kids beds.

I am so grateful to the friends, family, and strangers who helped us little by little build a home in our new space. And the longer we lived apart the less I wanted to see him. I began to find my footing. I found employment, which hadn’t been easy because he was the one allowed to work on his career all those years, and I had no transferrable skills.

My degree in healthcare administration didn’t help at the time because all the jobs I could have used it for wanted me to have a drivers license and I didn’t. There was no extra money to take lessons. Over time I built up my credit, and I was able to build confidence and self-worth.

I spent a long time single and didn’t even try to date. In 2020 I had an amazing experience that was very spiritual in nature with a man I am glad things didn’t work out with in the end. But it was the first time in my life I had set boundaries on red flags. It hurt so bad, but I was so proud of me.

I continued to be single, meditate, learn astrology, just dive into the things that interested me. I was learning who I am and what I want and need. In July 2021 John arrived back into my life. He treats me like a queen. It’s been almost three years and not a single sign of abuse. I know he loves me.

But even now a man is no financial plan. I was working and making $15 an hour at a holistic healing center. There were no benefits, no raises, no real appreciation for the work any of us did. It was nothing but drama, backbiting, and rumors. John was the main breadwinner.

And then John got very sick. He is the type of man who would take care of everyone he loves financially if he could. So I know he would do that for me, but he cannot work anymore. Things got very real for me as Saturn began to transit my 8th house of death and joint resources.

We had to go put my name on the deed of the house, so that should something happen to him I am not left homeless and destitute. I began applying for other jobs. My experience is so limited, but this time I had least knew how to drive.

I had a license and a car because John is not threatened by my independence. He is attracted to and actively encourages me to be independent as much as possible. I finally have this overall healthy and respectful relationship and now everyday it hangs in the balance.

I love him, but he is not a financial plan for me. During the Jupiter Uranus conjunction in my house of career I indeed received an unexpected stroke of luck. I had someone call me from the health care side of a prestigious university and say she found my resume on Indeed.

It was my short, objective statement that caught her attention. I had the interview and the job before I even applied for it. I now have incredibly, absolutely free health insurance. I have amazing paid time off benefits. Sick hours, vacations house, personal hours, extra observance days.

So if John is sick and I have to take time off I still have the flexibility my old manager offered me, but this time it’s paid time off. I am working to establish my career and be responsible for my own resources. Am I wear I could completely make it on my own? Not with my car payment. If it weren’t that I could afford an efficiency or one bedroom apartment.

I’ve said all this to say to you young women being influenced by this tradwife trend please be aware. Don’t get yourself stuck in a situation with red flags that turn into blazing resentment and frustration. A man can wake up and decide he no longer loves you any day of the week. He can find someone else. He can die. He is not a solid financial investment.

Make sure you’re taking care of. That your education, your training, all of that stays up -to-date. Definitely don’t marry a man who is threatened by your independence and financial goals. I’m also doing things on the side, and involved in collaborations to bring more money in.

I promise you walking on eggshells terrified to leave is not the place you want to end up. I’m not walking on eggshells anymore, but my partner’s mortality is something we are reminded of almost daily. Create a life for yourself and allow the right person to add to that. Don’t leave it all in their hands because even if they don’t drop it life fucking happens.

We are currently four mortgages behind. If we don’t pay at least one full payment this month we go into foreclosure. There is no way I can single-handedly save our home. We are doing our best to work together and come up with strategies. We have some promising prospects.

Once we get caught up we have it figured out where we can stay caught up. But we got so in the hole before everything worked itself out. And so I say to you again, a man is not a financial plan. John would give anything to be able to work the way he used to and make all the money he used to make. To pay for everything we need. But that isn’t our current story.

So even if you have a good man, and he wants to pay for everything, it makes sense for you to have a backup plan. I didn’t have one in my first marriage, and I didn’t have one in this relationship. He had just started a good job making three times the money I was making. We never imagined it would end the way that it did.

Just be prepared. Love yourself. Choose yourself.